Horoscopes
(Mystic Maurice has been fired for inaccuracy, so a series of guest astrologers will guide your destiny this term
This week's horoscopes by: a boy band)
ARIES
You look up above, to the one that you love, with the power of a dove, that's really special bruv.
TAURUS
On Tuesday you'll meet a stranger, that looks a bit like the lone ranger.
GEMINI
If I can't have you, what will I do, you really are a poo. Ooh baby, yeah. Uh-huh.
CANCER
This week you'll feel sad. Which is bad. The opposite of glad. A cow that barks is mad.
LEO
Stop messin' with my heart, I ache when we're apart, why must we play these games, it's drivin' me insane.
VIRGO
Romance at the workplace will make you feel, make you feel like a million dollars, it'll make you wanna holler, just make sure you swaller.
LIBRA
Jupiter's third moon, will be rising soon, it might affect your spoon.
SCORPIO
Girl, oh girl, oh, oh girl, if you're going to the shops could you get me a Twirl?
SAGITTARIUS
I see you in my dreams, eating custard creams, what does this mean, I'm not sure I'm that keen.
CAPRICORN
On Thursday you'll stub your toe, an endless source of woe, an everlasting foe, a bit like Edgar Allen Poe.
AQUARIUS
Why? I can't stop askin' why. Why, why? Oh baby why? Why? Why must you be so shy? You know that I'm your guy. Why?
PISCES
Has anyone seen my hair gel? I had it yesterday. It's the pink stuff with glitter in it.
2nd May 2002