Diary of a finalist
This week, we're talking revision avoidance. I know you've done this, I know you might even think you're good at it - you're at Oxford, so presumably you've done your fair share of exams and avoided your fair share of revision. But like I say, you're at Oxford now. What I'm going to teach you is to do a better type. The idea is, when you don't work you do something you couldn't possibly feel guilty about, something that's completely justified. Some examples:
1. Sleeping. The whole point of revision is that you have to be able to think straight, to work your hardest and perform at your best. How can you do any of these things without sleep? Even your tutors will agree. So turn off your alarm clock. After all, you'll wake up when you've slept enough, right?
STAGE 2: particularly advanced forms of sleep-based revision avoidance involve staying up partying all one night, finding yourself too tired to work properly the next day - another good excuse not to revise - and then going to bed at 10 and sleeping till 12.30 the next day. But be careful - this technique may induce guilt at first and is not for beginners.
2. Cooking. Now, you have to eat properly. At least five portions of fruit and veg a day. Carefully balanced meals. You're putting your brain through a lot and you need to eat healthily at such an important time. Kebab vans just don't cut it any more. Pizza toppings barely count for one portion of veg, let alone five. You and I both know that you're just kidding yourself when you try to count the salad in a takeaway baguette. So now is the time to cook for yourself. Sure, it takes a little longer, but after all, you're worth it!
STAGE 2: So you're eating OK, but what about your friends? Invite them round for dinner, teach the more culinarily challenged how to cook what you're making. It takes at least twice as long, but it gives you a warm glow inside. And is not revising.
3. Sub fusc. To avoid last minute panics on the morning of your first exam, make sure that you have all the clothes you'll need for your exams. Eight exams over two weeks in high summer means only one white shirt is a slightly malodorous choice, so obviously it's time to go white shirt shopping. And there's no point in doing this quickly - a nice white shirt is a timeless classic that can be worn with anything from jeans to a suit, a nasty one is a waste of money. And when did you last see your gown?
The Oxford Student accepts no responsibility for any ill effects following this advice has on your degree. Unless you get a first, when it's all down to us and a tenth of your earnings should be sent to this address in perpetuity, as a small token of gratitude.
9th May 2002