Horoscopes
Mystic Maurice has been fired for inaccuracy, so a series of guest astrologers will guide your destiny this term.This week's horoscopes by: Bruce Willis
ARIES
On Thursday you'll disable the bomb with 3 seconds to go, you lucky fockin' son of a bitch.
TAURUS
White vests and one-liners are big this season pal, so pay attention and quit screwin' around.
GEMINI
With the motherfockin' third moon of Mars entering your system, you'll find your ability to fire two handguns whilst flying through the air is completely focked.
CANCER
Get your ass outta the bar this week you bum.
LEO
Whilst you're cleaning your piece on Wednesday, it'll occur to you just how focked the whole thing is.
VIRGO
Romance in the workplace will really fock things up with the boss. Jeez, he'll be like "Hey you, in my office you fockin' bum!" And you'll be like, "Get the fock outta here you fock!" And he'll be like, "You fockin' pussy fock! Get the fock in my fockin' office you shitpiece!"
LIBRA
Now is definitely not a good time to quit smokin' pal. That fockin' lighter gonna be real fockin' useful some time soon.
SCORPIO
What the fock is goin' on with that fockin' shirt? You look like a fockin' pussy-assed piece of shit. Jeez.
SAGITTARIUS
This week a lotta bad guys are gonna explain their plans to you, assuming that killing you will be a piece of motherfockin' cake.
CAPRICORN
If you give me shit you fock then I'm gonna pump your fockin' ass full of fockin' lead and set fire to your ears.
AQUARIUS
It's about motherfockin' time you took control of your own goddamned fockin' life and quit playin' the clown all the fockin' time, you useless fockin' piece of fock.
PISCES
A smart pink suit is really in this season and will match those gorgeous little strappy sandals that you've just been dying to wear. You fock.
9th May 2002