News Hound
Newshound has been basking in the summer sun this week. He finds those gamma rays get rid of his ticks a treat. So, in fact, does rolling on the floor. But as gorgeous Editor Ria Hopkinson and wild child News Editor Natalie Toms demonstrated this week, collapsing in a drunken stupor on the floor of the Union President's office, directly at the feet of (highly amused) Labour MP Bob Marshall-Andrews, may be taking things slightly too far. Only slightly, mind. We thank the, um, actually-we've-run-out-of-superlatives-for-her Karen Price for not kicking us out - though the news that Cherwell News Bunny John Walton was unceremoniously dismissed merely for his inappropriate attire raised a giggle. Unfortunately we missed Mr Walton when gatecrashing the Cherwell barbeque - what larks! - but a Moulin Rouge medley from Lord Sir James Kettle and the absolute star known as Adam Brown was our highlight of the week. Anyway, with the Jubilee approaching comes the rather anti-climactic news that Teddy Hall nearly made Queen Elizabeth II herself an honorary member of their esteemed JCR. Within the entire realms of his (filthy) imagination, Newshound cannot imagine the disappointment Her Majesty must have felt to be have been so narrowly rejected. Add to that the recent 'insulting' 'lyrics' ejaculated by Dave Hart (Purple Velvet), Gilbert Ramsay (Mr Tumnus) and Thomas House (Beard) about her late mother, and there you have one sad Queen. Speaking of sad queens, the great Daniel Johnson made a valuable contribution to the Union's OPBM this week. Our darling Dan (ex-CCC, Ex-RO, Former Acting President, Sometime Chair WSC, DRO, RSVP, WLTM, GSOH, IDST, ISDN) defined a jukebox as "anything which causes significant noise when money is inserted", and consequently deemed the Union's "table football gaming device" to be a 'jukebox'. Along, perhaps, with slot machines and, on the same principle, Jordan. While we're 'on' celebrities, Newshound would like to point out that Martin Keown pales in comparison to the star he spotted walking along Parks Road on Monday. He would have leapt upon Thom Yorke (Creep), had he not been paralysed with awe. And tied to a stick. On antibiotics.
NEWSFLASH: And finally, a message for Newshound's arch-nemesis, a certain Mr John Evelyn (Obsequiousness). Newshound would like to inform you that, of his two incarnations, only one (no prizes for guessing which) feels like "doing something beautiful for Evelyn" this week, so put that camera away. You perv.
APOLOGY: Newshound offers sincere apologies to Anthony Man (CCC), whose mobile phone number was printed last week when his business card made an honorary appearance. All details will be deleted from the website.
30th May 2002