Minions On A Mission
As two undergraduates, neither OxStu Minion Two or I have had much contact with the dark underbelly of university research. Yet with this week's assignment all that was about to change: posing as two post-grad research psychologists, we were to launch a charitable campaign, based upon our 'research'; and thus was Sticky Kids born.
Our first step towards Westminster saw us seated in the glamorous Altered Radio studio. Our findings, we told the DJ, led us to the conclusion that children aged six to eleven improved their academic performance significantly if they owned, and cared for, a pet. At the top of our bestial league table, as expected, were cats and dogs, both increasing academic performance by "an astounding 23 per cent".
One girl, for whom we expressed our particular pride, had over-exceeded GCSE predictions, "simply by regularly playing with her beaver." While music can influence a child's scholarly accomplishment it does not aid "emotional development" in quite the same way ("You can't love a viola").
However, our concern lay primarily with stick insects. We aimed, through Sticky Kids, to convince the Government to provide a stick insect (or alternative household pet) for every child in full-time education, by the year 2009. These creatures, Minion Two continued, are economically viable, easy to care for ("All you need is some privet and a jam-jar") and, most importantly, breed like rabbits.
We felt sure popular backing would pour in. However, we knew that we needed to galvanize the local population for a tactical boost. And thus, the minions got militant!
Approaching our first victims (I mean, supporters) armed with a clip-board, 'Sticky Kids' badges and a insatiable desire for educational justice, how could we fail? Indeed, success was total, our charm pulling signatures from all over the globe.
However, something was lacking. These names were all well and good, but without the support of a legendary figure of children's entertainment, we were going nowhere fast. Having left a message for Dave Benson Phillips (of Get Your Own Back notoriety), we moved onto Fun House presenter Pat Sharp.
After some contact with his manager, Mick, we secured the great man for our political purposes and a quotation for the 'publicity': "I think this is an excellent idea. I've always had pets around the house since my kids were young, and anything that can stimulate their education can only be a good thing."
So, with Pat Sharp "Getting Sticky for his Kids" (our slogan), we are surely only one step away from Whitehall. Stick insects are coming to a child near you soon!
13th May 2004