B-Movie Goes Into Meltdown
House Of Wax
First there were the vampire’s fearsome fangs, the chilling chainsaw, the shuddersome sword and then of course, the wax. With more of the stuff than you can shake a candle-stick at, this remake of the 1953 Vincent Price classic is faker than Paris Hilton’s hair extensions. The plot begins when Paris and co. decide to take the never-failsto- end-in-a-massacre road trip, to the “biggest college football game, like, ever!” Naturally, they take the short-cut route through the shadiest woods, and decide to camp out, only to be disturbed by the ever-ominous pick-up truck. Paris’ conclusion? “This is getting kinda creepy…” Like, duh. The next morning they wake up and find that their car is undrivable. The plot thickens.
After hitching a lift with the token local weirdo, Carly and Wade arrive in Ambrose, home to the infamous House of Wax. With time to, er, kill, the pair can think of nothing better to do than to venture into the crusty museum. Thus ensues the next hour of grisly gore, as the sole inhabitants of the town, psycho twins Vincent and Bo (Van Holt) randomly decide to make wax models of everyone who comes to town. But it’s not fun and games all the way.
There is at least some attempt at motive; as it turns out the killer duo were Siamese twins, separated in a controversial operation, leaving one of them insane and the other disfigured and bearing a remarkable resemblance to Michael Jackson.
After much adrenaline-fuelled chasing around and the blatantly predictable killer resurrection, it all comes to head in the House of Wax, which, being quite literally made of wax (in hindsight probably not the best idea), falls victim to a fire, and melts to the ground, taking the gruesome twosome with it. With acting as stiff as its bloody cadavers, House of Wax manages to surpass even the most formulaic and predictable of horror films, and combine it with a completely unimaginative script.
If you’ve got nothing better to do, like watching paint dry, go for it. If you’re looking for the real deal, you’d best look elsewhere.
2nd Jun 2005