What I want to be when I grow up
#2 The Frustrated Teacher
Job description: The British equivalent of the Hollywood actor-cumwaitress. Teaching is the default route for English students too proud to admit defeat and take to the city for a life of keyboards, coffee and cocaine (see: previous issue) and not gifted enough to have a fellowship with their name on it waiting at All Souls. Your mission should you (ill-advisedly) choose to accept it is to “bring out the potential in your students” and raise the pass rate; i.e. identify the lost causes and bully them into dropping out. Be prepared for lesson planning, legal proceedings, reports and more paperwork. Forget your encyclopaedic knowledge of Keats, all that is required is thick skin, legible blackboard writing and a loud voice.
Job requirements: The air of quiet resignation, an irrational hatred of anyone below five foot tall, a preoccupation with grammar and an overblown sense of power.
Enthusiasm and a passion for the job are endearing qualities but will only serve to a) open you to disappointment and possible injury, and b) expose you for the amateur you are. Before the first day on the job ensure you are well equipped with floral shirts, a staff room mug (using someone else’s is a major faux pas) and a cat o’ nine tails, just for old times sake. And for beating back the gangs of violent pre-schoolers we keep hearing about in the Daily Mail.
Perks of the job: A parking space, a room with your name on it and the prospect of being paid to go on school trips. And access to a steady supply of illegal substances and cheap booze if you have a sharp eye and a lockable cupboard for confiscated goodies. A possible second income if you pay your cards right, trafficking these to adult friends.
You could try dealing to the little rascals yourself in the name of street cred but the chances are they have got better contacts than you.
Career opportunities: Not a lot of choice unless you are a real glutton for punishment. Your best move is to peruse the yummy mummies in your assigned five minutes speed date at parents’ evenings. shift into the trophy spouse field so you can finally finish that book
18th May 2006