Life's a Beach
The bikini is one of fashion’s greatest follies. One of the most risqué items worn off the catwalk and a flirtatious celebration of the female form, it also represents fashion at its most fascistic. However cute and coquettish three little triangles of cloth might seem, they are ruthlessly unforgiving, leaving no fabric spare for carefully concealing lumps and bumps. Worse still, they are entirely impractical.
Far more suited to posing by the pool than frolicking in the sea, bikini strings have an alarming tendency to come undone in the company of lecherous middle-aged men. The British are at a particular disadvantage when it becomes to bikinis.
The embarrassment of leaving the house in nothing more substantial than your underwear enhances a typical Brit’s inherent sense of awkwardness and the excitement of a few days of sunshine on our drizzly isle is bound to have most women left with lobster skin and glaring white strapmarks.
Yet regardless of whether we will be spending the summer finding ourselves on the palm-fringed beaches of Thailand or stoically braving the elements on a pebbled beach in North Wales, the vast majority of us will be sporting a bikini this year. The early summer bikini shop is always a traumatic experience, made all the more so by the pitiful selection of shops in Oxford.
For those fortunate enough to have the same size tops and bottoms, Topshop may be worth a look, although most of their cuts are predictably skimpy. Zara and Debenhams both have some nice styles and allow you to buy tops and bottoms separately. The most disappointing of the high street staples was Primark: I was met with rails of candy floss-coloured and shiny gold monstrosities.
Those blessed with a larger bust will sadly find their coveted assets become a curse when it comes to choosing a bikini. Bajan Bleu has a few quite nice collections for larger cup sizes as does Marks and Spencer, if you can bear filtering through frumpy flower prints and horrifying diamante designs. If all of this is leaving you depressed enough to reach out for a BHS one-piece in desperation, perhaps the best thing to do is adopt the celebrity approach to the beach.
Team a simple bikini with a large floppy hat, sunglasses and a sheer kaftan — East and Accessorize both stock fantastic ones — and leave the fussing with spangly, stringy numbers for the mere mortals out there.
8th Jun 2006