Thespionage: Week 0


What’s that I smell on the wind? Is that the succulent scent of tasty freshers? I think it is!

So, you’re a scared new face, wanting to make your mark and see your name in lights, you want to hit the big time and bathe in other similar clichés. Where do you start? Firstly, the drama scene is go­ing to seem very cliquey. It is, but don’t panic, you can break into the clique very easily. You just perform in a couple of shows (massive pretentiousness and the ability to perform autofellatio do help, though). To get in a show, you need to go to the OUDS website and register. Don’t wor­ry – OUDS itself is mainly an impotent mass shouting at itself – it won’t impact your life in any way, shape or form. And before you ask, yes, the site is meant to look like that.

Next, after you’ve finished dry heaving at the website design, you head over to the JobCen­tre, which lists all the auditions coming up. You might be intimi­dated by the fact that every play is “emotionally profound” or “an innovative revival” of Shake­speare – it makes more sense if you replace every adjective with “pile of” and every noun with any bodily fluid of your choice (try it – it’s fun and educational!).

Then you go to the audition, pretend that the play is a good idea, and act your tiny fresher hearts out. You’ll then get an e-mail saying yay or nay. If no, re­turn to step one. If yes, do a show, learn lines, bitch about directors, rant over scathing reviews, get drunk at the aftershow, return to step one. Rinse and repeat. Congratulations, you will now be part of the many-headed hy­dra that is the Oxford drama scene. God help you.

Some grizzled veterans out there might be thinking “Wait, what’s Jonny doing still writing Thespionage?” Well, so intent was I on arson at the end of last year that I forgot how to open doors, trapping me here for months on end. They did sent a replacement columnist, whose marrow kept me sustained through the long Summer months, and I thought I might as well continue writing it. If anyone at the OxStu can read this – send a rescue party, or failing that, more succulent columnists.

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