Predictions for 2011

News Student Life

Snowxford

Oxford experiences its first snowy Trinity term as a freakish weather anomaly sees the rest of the UK enjoy a heat wave. Undeterred by harsh conditions, students make the most of their situation. Punts are abandoned in favour of bobsleighs (impressive, considering the lack of hills). Cycling is dismissed as impractical, while ice-skating comes in vogue. Bizarrely, the national press ignores proceedings due to an official ban on all snow reports, imposed in early February.

Guess Hugh’s back?

Hugh Grant re-enrolls as an undergraduate after having a rollicking night at Wahoo. Grant’s attendance at a New College dinner and wild clubbing in 2010 sent shockwaves through the University and inspired him to pursue a second degree. When asked what he likes most about studying Grant replies ‘the girls’.

Uber Union

In a desperate attempt to appeal to the new influx of Freshers, the Oxford Union undergoes a radical modernization. Strobe lighting is installed in the bar. Rap battles and trash talk replace formal debates. Carl Barât and pals are invited to discuss a willfully obscure counter-culture movement….Oh wait, that already happened.

Initiation Fascination

The University lacrosse team once again attracts media attention with its initiation rites when its choice of fancy dress – ‘middle-aged mothers’ – is exposed by the Daily Mail. Photographs of players in pearls and Hunter wellingtons accompany the article, while a third year student condemns their actions as ‘deeply boring’.

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