Appreciating the recession

Student Life

In the debt-ridden world economy and suffering job market of today, do you ever envision this generation’s fate to be hopeless? Do the disturbing images of mobs rushing the banks ever crop up in your mind? Then the problem with you is that you have lost sight of the simple pleasures of a failing economy—really basic things like, for instance, the quiet contemplation of smoking hot waitresses.

Consider this: the ‘hot waitress index’ is skyrocketing right now as a result of our beautiful failing world economy. This economic phenomenon is the result of struggling models and lap dancers edging out their less comely competitors. “These hot girls appeared out of nowhere,” a fired waitress on the East Side of New York tearfully informed reporters recently.

Last Friday, the day my debit card was rejected at Stone and Wood due to lack of funds, I couldn’t take my eyes off the Aryan blond bombshell serving me.

But I guess with every good thing there is an evil, and in this case it is this: women’s dresses are growing progressively longer, more shapeless, and conservative, a result of a failing economy according to 20s philosopher George Taylor.

What’s more, rather than splurging on luxurious accessories that men love, now women are making the outrageous mistake of only buying the bare, basic necessities like lipstick; this last year, lipstick sales doubled. To a classy man like me, lips should never take preference over the cultivation of other more vital bodily features, even when the hard-times strike, which is precisely why we thank god for the “hot waitress index”.

“These hot girls appeared out of nowhere,” said a fired New York waitress

Another unintended benefit of a recession is that it is totally acceptable for men to make do with ripped and torn underwear. Most men normally buy precisely 3.4 pairs of underwear a year, but this year the figure is expected to be 2.3 pairs according to the Washington Post.

For men, cutting down on shopping might only be a fringe benefit of a downturn, but for the United States Marine Corps, the average American male’s newly-found free time has come as a blessing. So many recruits are enlisting in order to make a decent living that the Marines have expanded by nearly 30,000 soldiers since 2009 and currently meet their recruitment quota three years ahead of schedule.

Having said that, marine advertising is panicking as it tries to stop the flood of men; Americans now see advertisements showing sweaty, begrimed recruits vomiting out of tear gas masks, knocking one another unconscious with pugil sticks, and leaping into swimming pools in full gear, rather than showcasing tall, proud, newly-minted marines in dress uniform.

So, American males, forget about the Marines: there’s no room for you. Consider it a great pleasure to lounge about in your favorite old pair of underwear instead.

The lesson in all of this: don’t bother yourself with the silly gravity of economics and world politics and don’t try to levy yourself out of debt by rising swiftly through the ranks of the Marines. Instead, wallow in the inadvertent pleasures of an economic breakdown.

Find contentment in swaggering down the street like a raggedy-assed, peace-loving Hippie in a skinny tie (to save on material), always keeping a look out for hot waitresses.