Fancy some Agony Lad?

Week 4

1. I bet anything you are actually just some weedy nerd who has never even spoken to a lad or kissed a female. This is just some saddo fantasy right? You’ve caught me Hercule – how cunning of you! Indeed, I am a 9 stone, 2nd year computer scientist from St. Catz. I have never visited these venues of so-called “lash” and instead live vicariously through the meagre offerings you lesser mortals send me every week.

As if.

2.Top five Oxford libraries with the fittest birds? Mate, obviously the Rad Cam for the fit public school totty floating around the English section. As for the other four, a true Oxford lad doesn’t visit enough libraries to be able to just reel them off at such ease. I’ll have to get back to you next week.

3.Mate I seriously cant wait for varsity ski trip! Only four more weeks! Been hearing from everybody who has been before about how manic it gets. Got a really good bunch of mates going and we’ll all be living together which sounds awesome. The only problem is that our group is running slightly low on girls (i.e. there are none). Will it be easy to make up for this when we reach base camp or am I knowingly heading face first into a sausage fest in the snowy mountains? This situation sounds perfect young grasshopper. Who needs girls anyway? Obviously, they’ll be needed at some point in the trip for the inevitable drunken fumble and flirtation, but other than that embrace your banterous Brautworst of a situation. Some final pieces of advice: back yourself on any run of any level of difficulty (despite the possibility that you’re a beginner), avoid wearing a helmet (it will mess with windswept hair – a favourite for the ladies), and booze, banter, and berate shit lads. What happens on the continent stays on the continent.

4. My family is coming over this weekend to visit. Will probably go out for a meal and because my dad loves Indian food was thinking of trying a curry house. Apparently jamal’s in Jericho is a bit of a lad hot spot. As someone who goes a lot, though I guess for different reasons, can you vouch for the food? I literally could not contain myself when I saw this question. Having re-branded myself as the Christian Union and the Ultimate Frisbee Society (LADS!) on many occasion in order to avoid rejection from this oasis of obnoxia, I can safely say that Jamal’s is the best restaurant in Oxford. To really get the staff on side, ask for their rat special whilst obnoxiously singing UB40’s “Rat in da Kitchen”. Although you will be attending this beloved institution with your father, remember that you can still be “Howzatted” on mango chutney – this is but a rite of passage to be enjoyed in this jewel of Indian cuisine. Finally, if for whatever reason you decide to vom throughout the evening, you’re only a shit lad if you fail to chunder dragon. See my pamphlet on “Chunder Etiquette” for further information.

Week 5

1. Me again from last week: The Oxford sandwich shop with the fittest servers ? (female ones only obvs) You seem to have a lot of questions mate. I think you’re getting the wrong impression that we are somehow “friends”. In answer to your question, Taylor’s on St Giles’ has by far the fittest birds. Just be prepared for some especially broken English if you engage these tasty temptresses in some epic chat. To impress, order extra Tabasco. Now fuck off.

2. My friends and I were queuing up for drinks at Bridge last Thursday when we got queue-barged by a scrum of typical intoxicated rugby lads. If you were among that lovely little gathering then cheers “mate”. My question: why are lads are so popular and desirable around Oxford (my best friend has a massive thing for this second year lad idiot in college) when you’re all just so loud, dim, obnoxious and, speaking for the vast majority of you, blessed with looks that only a mother could love? Am I missing something here? It seems that you have been rejected at some point or another by one of these bastions of Oxford society. Don’t fret – if your best mate is getting more action than you don’t take it too personally. It’s purely because she’s skinnier, blonder, better looking, and has good chat (for a girl, at least). Fear not, there’s always Harley Street.

3. I know it is so over-used at Oxford but I think I’ve got a case of 5th Week Blues. Haven’t been motivated to do anything- don’t even think I’ve picked up a pen since last Wednesday. I’m currently lying in my pyjamas at 3pm watching show after show on i-Player. Do you suffer from the “blues” like us mortals and do you have any advice on how I can get my life back on track? Oh you too? I thought I was the only who had lost all my early-term swagger and had resorted to binging on the Eastenders Omnibus and some Strictly to get through the days. So reassuring to know I’m not alone…  No, of course I don’t get “Fifth Week Blues” you tit. If someone can’t handle a mere eight weeks of tutes, gash and a wee bit of lash then they don’t deserve to live. But if you are really stuggling then two words my friend: SAMBUCA CHALLENGE. A cheeky five sambucas in a row will heal any feelings of inadequacy. Good luck. See you in the bar.

4. Me and my friends all think you are by far the best thing in this newspaper. The OxStu is usually so painfully dull. But does it not ruin your ‘lad’ rep having to associate yourself with all those lame journo-hacks (undoubtedly the most lowly form of Oxford hack)? First things first, the OxStu associate themselves with me not the other way round. The Cherwell are after me as we speak and it’s getting fucking awkward rejecting them on a weekly basis. If the Cherwell editors are reading this, stop being shit lads and attempt to find your own witty and charismatic advice columnist…or just give in already and hand over the phone number of that Wadham lass off Fit College and I guarantee you’ve got yourselves a deal.

Agony Lad is contractually obliged (well, we made him promise) to write exclusively for us this term. No ones wants to have to see SocHopping return do they? Emails and tweets to the Lad as usual.