Auditions are the first step on many an Oxford thespie’s road to stardom… or the pub. I’ve personally found the latter destination more fun and possible than any other. Yes, I am that most long lasting cliché of the bottom feeders of the drama pond we call reviewers – the failed actor. Yes, all the auditions I’ve attended (all one of them) have ended in abject failure. But this column isn’t about me. It’s about you. So here’s my expert guide to not ending up like me. Here’s my audition tips:
Don’t arrive ten minutes late. Fifteen is much more fashionable.
Don’t prepare a dramatic monologue from 2012. No one’s doubting that Roland Emmerich films are the height of dramatic intensity and nuanced writing (I think the film section are going to lynch me) but you never know – the casting director might be a physicist with ethical objections to the line “The neutrinos are mutating!”
Don’t shoot yourself in the foot. No, really.
Definitely show up in costume. It shows commitment. Especially if it’s Tudor dress and you look really good in a corset. If you’ve got it, flaunt it.
Don’t use your own voice. Producers/directors are looking to cast people with a range of abilities, so throw out a few accents – and make them as unusual as possible. Mr Blobby, Alvin from the Chipmunks and Scooby Doo are all viable options.
However, it’s probably best not to show your ability to play other races… You don’t want to wander out onto St Giles and be mistaken for an OUCA member.
DON’T TOUCH YOUR FACE. Actually, this is my only serious bit of advice. Your face is a tool. Your hands are a tool. You don’t whack your hammer with your drill (however strangely erotic that sounds) so keep the two separate.
See you in the pub!