The freshly elected Emperor of OUSU Alex Shattock, gave his inaugural address this Wednesday to an intimate crowd of journalists, vigilantes and fawning women.
The speech began with a reverential commiseration to his opponents: “On behalf of all the joke candidates who ran in the elections, I would first like to say what a great time we had. I was so glad that the election wasn’t besmirched by endless inanity, frivolous complaints, and vicious, poisonous hackery from all of the candidates. There is hope for OUSU yet.”
“It was a tough battle: I was surrounded by enemies. David Townsend’s agent, Adam Tyndall, whispered “I’m going to hear you squeal” into my ear at the reading of the results. I’m told that Adam thought several paragraphs of me criticising his candidate, and suggesting among other things that David wanted to cut my head off and drink my blood, somehow broke electoral rules and amounted to a “sustained attack on character”. Which is fucking preposterous.”
Shattock then went on to criticise the “widely discredited” initial election result announcing David Townsend’s victory: “You may have heard there were problems with the online electoral voting system. I personally blame everyone on Team Townsend for the problems. They may all be skilled, highly competent individuals with a track record for delivering positive change for students: but I don’t trust them, and with good reason.”
“My man on the inside, who will remain anonymous, has given me all the details on their sinister cult. I asked him, “Alex Harvey, just what is wrong with your team?” And he told me everything. Apparently, they all have a tattoo of Townsend’s face on their arm, which burns when they are summoned by him. Before every team meeting they sit in a circle: Townsend then proceeds to kiss each of them on the forehead in turn, whispering “You are blessed”.”
As the address ended Shattock peaked in a crescendo of Ciceronian oratory: “OUSU may have a new President. Yes… It may indeed. But OUSU also has a new Emperor: and my reign will great and terrible. Granted, there weren’t many votes for the OUSU Emperor, which is surprising considering the power and prestige of the role. But I certainly voted. For myself.
“The Year of the Shat is just about to begin. Five hundred years lurking in the shadows, watching, waiting for my moment to rise up and take the crown… and finally! Unlimited power! It is mine. It is all mine.”