1. Was going through last week’s paper and saw the pages and pages of election manifestos for OUSU positions. My first reaction was “oh no, not this shit again”. Hundreds of personality-free people running for ‘elusive’ positions such as Common Room Support Office and Student Trustee. Who the hell are these people and don’t they realise that nobody gives a damn? Let me rephrase your question: “Agony Lad”, will you be voting for one shlad against another for a position void of any importance?” Like fuck I am mate. Some may think that this is a strange reaction coming from someone that frequently writes for the student union’s newspaper. I’d beg to differ. I am but a hired assassin of banter who could quite easily cross over to the dark side of the Cherwell at any given moment.
2. Hi, I was just wondering what your view is on this whole OxStu “Wage War” thing for scouts. I can’t read your paper without being bombarded with demands to “JOIN THE WAGE WAR!” As probably the only student journalist I would ever trust, may I ask you: is this a worthy cause or is this simply a case of your newsroom having nothing else to write about? Beloved disciple, the only part of the OxStu I ever read is Agony Lad because it’s fucking funny. The rest of the dross I just ignore, unless of course there are pictures of some fit birds that I’ve no doubt shagged. Those go straight into my scrapbook of conquests. As a result, I’m sorry love but I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. All I know is that my scout is an absolute saint. To clean my room after a night of lash, stash, and gash is a harder job than cleaning up the fallout after Chernobyl. There is a reason why on a night out I go nuclear.
3. So I met this girl at a club two weeks ago. We pulled and I got her number. We’ve met up quite a few times since then and we’ve had sex on a couple of occasions. She is really nice, at least three grades out of my league, and seems really keen on me to boot. The only problem (and I know this going to make me sound like such a dick) but she actually goes to Brookes… I have no idea why, but I can’t help but feel a little bit ashamed about her for this reason. I haven’t even told my friends about her! Am I just being a total intellectual snob and shit lad or is this concern actually justified? In the words of Joe Cocker, “Love lifts us up where we belong.” Love transcends class, race, and intellect. Brookes is another matter entirely. Yes, the bird may be quite hot and really fun to have a night out with in Fuzzy Ducks, but in reality she’s not going to have much to say for herself and your relationship will be based purely on the physical.
Hmm, on second thoughts, it sounds like you’ve got a good thing going on. Bravo mate!
4. My friend is certain that, despite your quite unappealing cartoon illustration, you are actually quite fit. She says she can just tell. Would you be interested in meeting her for a drink at Duke of Cambridge at 7pm on Friday? Her name’s Sophie and if this goes in print then there will be no way she can back out! Haha. Let me know xx Ah, an admirer. I’d be lying if I said your friend was the first unsuspecting girl to get a bit of Agony Lad fever. Before committing to this possible rendezvous, could you just let me know some specifics. Sophie’s hair colour, measurements and chat. Obviously, I understand her chat won’t be great given the fact that she’s a girl, but it would be rude not to ask. Tell her to get in contact with me by emailing 2minutesinheavenarebetterthan1@ agonylad.co.uk to avoid clogging the OxStu inboxes. Women of Oxford take note, this will be my “private” email address for any future correspondence.
1. Hi Agony Lad, it’s the Feature Editors here. We both just wanted to say that it has been great working with you this term. You’re a great guy and really lit up the OxStu offices on weekends with your outrageous banter. Plus associating ourselves with you no doubt made us look cooler in the office! We should try to hang out next term in a non-professional capacity and let’s definitely get that drink sometime- how’s next week for you? I must commend the two of you for coming out of your shells somewhat towards the end of term. On our first fateful meeting I took you both for total banter vacuums- not my kind of lads.
I’ll check my diary for next week. My phone has been playing up recently so maybe best if it’s a don’t-call-me-I’ll-call-you sort of thing.
2. I am an Upper Sixth student and I’ve actually applied to read History and French at New College. Hopefully I’ll be coming up for an interview next month but was wanting to know what I should expect from those few days in Oxford with all the other applicants. Will it be really serious and dry all the time or quite jokes? Also, should I let the interviewers know that I am hoping to play college rugby (I’m in my school’s 1sts) or should I just talk about academic stuff with them? I have the feeling that you could be a future protege of mine mate. After all, one day I will have to hang up my yard glass for the last time. In terms of your interviews, this is perhaps one instance in which you should not be lad. Of course, you must regale your mates after with stories of how the Medieval History tutor was giving you the eyes and asked for your number, but in reality you must, for the interviews at least, give the impression that you give a shit about your academic future and the like.
In terms of the rugger, college rugby is a proper laugh and gives any good lad in Oxford a reason to act like a complete twat under the blanket excuse of it being “rugby banter” or “for the boys”.
3. So what’s going to happen next term? Are you still going to do Agony Lad? If not, I will probably stop reading the OxStu. As you can imagine, I have many options available to me at this point in time. But let’s presume the powers that be at the OxStu come to their senses and award my quality journalism with the position of editor, I propose to do the following:
1. Have an Oxford ‘page 3’ offering the hottest scouts, tutors and library staff bearing all. This will be complete with our ‘model’s’ weekly News Stash– up to the minute accounts of all the latest lad news from around the city.
2. An Agony Lad ‘How to…’ sextion.
3. An Agony Lad ‘whodunnit?’ Every week OxStu‘s top journalists (not including myself-I’ll be too busy, naturally) will hunt down the laddy culprits of vom stains, one night stands, and unnecessary nakedness.
(E.g. Colonel Mustard, the college rugby player, in the college dining room, vomming after seeing off the gravy at formal hall.)
4. Keep the Culture section’s Crafty Cooking feature- yum yum yum.
4. I have to admit that your column is pretty humourous (if very immature and dim-witted). As a college peer supporter, however, I would really appreciate it if in your last edition you could allude to the hard work done by welfare teams around Oxford. Could you let them know that, all joking aside, there are trained people in their colleges to responsibly handle their problems. Would be much appreciated. The expression ‘all joking aside’ has never been a favourite of mine, young apprentice. I totally agree, Welfare teams throughout Oxford should get the credit they deserve and are there to help many an Oxford student.
That being said, these kinds of students are ones with no clear emotional depth or indeed banter. I think it’s admirable that Welfare officers are so good at listening to chat vacuums (chatuums, if you will) and are so accomplished at making a mean cup of tea.
For all other students, I believe that the weekly Agony Lad column provides more than enough well adjusted advice to help the young ladies and gentlemen of Oxford to go about their day to day lives. You do your thing, I do mine.
Agony Lad wishes you all a very festive Christmas holiday.