The Malcontent on: Christmas

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“Christmas is a joyous time of year. Christmas brings peace and love and happiness to all men. Christmas is a transcendental celebration of goodwill.” Christmas’s report card reads like that kid you knew at school who was the pet of every teacher and was secretly a bit of a bitch. Every now and then someone will write a tirade against the holiday season, but they tend to defend ‘the true spirit of Christmas’ against the evil capitalist warlords who have twisted it for their own mendacious ways. This fails to see the point: the true spirit of Christmas is a bully.

Christmas is greedy. Why on earth does it need not one holiday representative, but a whole barnfull? Father Christmas, his American cousin, their wives, little baby Jesus, shepherds, angels, wise men – the list even extends into the animal kingdom, with all the fluffy sheep, magical reindeer and tired old donkeys gathered to provide Christmas with an entourage big enough to sate its ego. For comparison, think of poor little Easter, who has only a bunny who inexplicably produces eggs to promote it (alright, so there’s also baby Jesus grown up, but he’s nailed to a cross and dying, and this does not make for a great party atmosphere). The bunny doesn’t even get a bunny wife, which is a great deprivation considering what rabbits do best.

Of course, Valentines doesn’t even get an animal mascot, but the woes of Valentine’s Day stretch even further where Christmas is concerned. Christmas has nicked Valentine’s colour. A hundred years ago, Christmas cut a trim look in green, occasionally dabbling in the odd bit of gold. Then Valentine’s Day hit its stride and Christmas, greener than ever with envy, decided to flex its muscle. Suddenly red was Christmas’ colour, and Valentine’s cowered with increasingly feeble shades of pink. Such is the brute force of Christmas, and the ramifications continue even now as every child is forced into the seasonal fashion faux-pas of red and green. The two are opposite colours! Oh the humanity…

Naïve, the people of this world blunder on, mindless in their belief that the true spirit of Christmas will prevail. They do not see Christmas’ true plan – in encroaching earlier and earlier in the year, swallowing Thanksgiving and threatening Halloween, it is beginning a plan for world domination. Perhaps only ten years from now we will see the hidden horror in those immortal lyrics ‘I wish it could be Christmas everyday…’

Follow Frankie Goodway on Twitter @fgoodway

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