Univ learn to handle their drink

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Univ undergraduates have threatened to boycott “pointless” alcohol awareness sessions to be held this Thursday.

Univ Dean Professor Michael Collins has enforced the “mandatory” sessions in reaction to alcohol-related incidents of the previous term.

He hopes the two-hour long sessions, which take place on Thursday 12th January at the Maths Institute, will help “warn of the risk associated with the misuse of alcohol.”

But with 0th week collections looming, many students are reluctant to attend them.

“We have collections to do, so frankly it’s a waste of two hours,” said one disillusioned law student. “It’s unfair that both first and second years have been tarred with the same brush – this wasn’t a big deal really, just a few freshers getting a  bit too drunk and throwing up everywhere.

“Some of us will probably just not bother going to them,” she added, “it frees up more time to revise.”

“It’s a somewhat draconian reaction to something that goes on in all colleges, and for that matter all universities,” said another second year, “though there was a concern that freshers were getting so paralytic that they might choke on their own vomit, or something like that.”

“It’s true that the drinking got a bit messy this term, but to be honest the second years weren’t really misbehaving, it was the freshers. They couldn’t handle their strawpedos,” he added.

Another Univ undergraduate, who wished not to be named, criticised the sessions as an “overreaction.”

“I think that this has happened because the Dean has just started, and he needs to assert his authority and presence at the College. It’s not a huge issue at the College, just a result of some first years getting a bit too drunk.”

Students became aware of the sessions through an e-mail from the Dean on 30th November 2011.

“The date and time have been chosen to ensure that it is after you are due to be back in Oxford but so as not to conflict with Collections or other academic commitments,” he wrote.

“Attendance will be mandatory for all first and second year undergraduates, and a register will be taken by the Junior Deans.”

But one student rebutted claims that the freshers’ antics of the previous term were excessively debauched: “They are in fact just little twerps who can’t handle their drink.”