Agony Lad 2012

Welcome back Agony Lad! Glad you’ve come back to OxStu. Are you looking forward to Hilary? #toptipsfornextterm

Shit lad alert. Question submitted from Twitter. Houston, we have a problem. I agreed to come back to OxStu on the specific premise that this is an unpretentious student newspaper without arty videos, indie kids or techno geeks. Now you throw a hashtag at me? This is not the Cherwell, ‘mate’. I can only hope you’re mistaken in your choice of newsprint.

I’ve got a problem. I’m a summer person at heart and really hate the post-Christmas freeze, especially in a Cowley house with no insulation. What can I do to escape the cold?

Firstly, if you’re a girl, then yes, that’s fine, we can have sex. Because (remember this gentlemen) if a girl asks you for a way to escape the cold, she’s not talking about extra layers. More like XXX-tra lay-ing. Banter. But seriously, “if she’s chilly, use your willy”. In a strictly feminist way of course. If you’re a guy then man up.

How can I encourage my boyfriend to shower more? I bought him shower gel, shampoo & deodorant for Christmas but he still won’t take the hint.

Ah, the Christmas man gift. Any Lad will be familiar with the consistently disappointing appearance of the shabby box holding the Lynx shower gel, shampoo and deodorant combo. I of course have no natural need to shower, excreting sweat with the chemical makeup of Armani Code. Two simple suggestions: 1. Shower with him. 2. Shower with me instead. (If number 1 won’t solve the problem, nothing will. Just follow the scent of peppermint and rich mahogany to a better man.)

Why does this always happen? It’s 0th week and have done zero work for my collection. It’s the same every term. I give myself loads of time to plough through reading lists, write essays and revise but never get round to any of it. My tutors can’t think that I’m lazy or even worse academically brain dead. What if this happens with finals? Is this going to be the worst term ever?

What the fuck. You’ve mistaken ‘collection’ for ‘exam’. Get a grip.

Any suggestions for procrastination television? I’ve managed to transition smoothly from Christmas re-runs of Bond to new Shore but I need more.

There’s always Sherlock on iPlayer. Yeah, I know, top lad Arthur CD is old and Victorian (and dead) but this time it’s all been updated. Modern times, innit. Mobile phones are everywhere and Holmes and Watson both have blogs – any top lad needs a column. There’s also a load of gratuitous nudity and Sherlock uses nicotine patches instead of puffing on a pipe. All the buzz without any of the cancer. Smart lad.

I thought you said at the end of last term that you were going to the Cherwell. If your banter really is so much more welcome there, why are you still here?

Are the editors trying to give me a hint? Look, if I’m not welcome here I will take my services elsewhere. Just definitely not to the Cherwell. Real lads enjoy editorial independence from OUSU.

Agony Lad is contractually obliged (bribed with beer & women) to write exclusively for us this term. Questions to [email protected] or, if you don’t want them answered, @OxStuFeatures.