Agony Lad: Week 2

Student Life

What do you think about colleges having these new Alcohol Awareness courses? It’s such a waste of time. After they droned on about drinking responsibly, we were forced to watch a video of someone hoax calling an ambulance. Not relevant.

I can see how an unprofessional lad would assume that that session was run by a bunch of shit lads. You’ve got the wrong end of the log, mate. They were probably hungover from a banging round of pub golf the previous night. From what I’ve heard in The Daily Wail, little squirts like you need to learn how to hold their drink. It’s not a waste of time. Not everyone comes to university after an illustrious career propping up the profits of Jaegermeister as the Euro collapses.

I’m a third year thinking about what to do when I finish. I’ve been applying for banking and consultancy jobs without much luck. What would you recommend as a career path? Can I be a lad after university? 

If you’re asking these questions, you’re not a lad. What is a “career path”?  I honestly don’t know whether lads exist after Oxford. I’m not yet ready to wake up from the Sambuca-soaked lash-fest of the last few years. I also can’t think of a genuine lad between the ages of 25 and 45. The closest thing might be Robbie Savage. No one wants that to happen. Everyone knows that Mark Wright is approaching the end of first laddom, and Charlie Sheen is just coming into a glorious second ladishness (anyone who said Agony Lad isn’t cultured can STFU). Be a lad now, then get a job, then be a lad again.

I’ve got a serious cash flow problem. Whenever I go on a night out I spend (at minimum) £20. I’ve tried not taking my cards but then I spend all my cash and can’t afford a taxi home. Any advice?

Hold the phone, stop the clocks, give the dog a bone and all other euphemisms for what the fuck. £20 would not make a dent in any true lad’s alcohol budget for predrinks alone. On the other hand if you’re enough of a lightweight to get drunk on £20, fair play. But don’t let that last for long. Taxis to the club are for big dogs, taxis from the club are for girls. Make sure you’re hammered enough to stumble home with a quick nap in the library and a chunderdump on the pavement mid-journey. Let me also kindly correct one of your misconceptions. Nights out are not for worrying. They’re for getting fucking smashed. If you want to control your dollar, get hammered at home, take enough cash for entry and sneak in a bottle of Vladivar. Alternatively, go big.

Is the aim of this column to transform all of your readers into lads? What happened to witty and incisive commentary on popular culture? 

Look, I have to provide the information my loyal readers want.

I bet you make these questions up. You probably won’t even print this one.

Not a question. Next.

Agony Lad will be running an Alcohol Awareness course at OxStu towers this week. It’s BYOB. You can sign up (and submit your questions) to agony.lad@gmail.com or, if you’re a technosexual, @OxStuFeatures.


Liked reading this article? Sign up to our weekly mailing list to receive a summary of our best articles each week – click here to register

Want to contribute? Join our contributors group here or email us – click here for contact details