Agony Lad: Week 3

If you were American, who would you vote for in the 2012 election?

Thank God I’m not American. I’d have turned out an American Football ‘jock’ instead of a lad, tip-toeing around in tiny shorts with pillows strapped to myself like a big girl. It’s got to be Obama. He plays basketball. And he doesn’t indulge in calling football ‘soccer’. The Republicans scare me with their pro-gun stance. The right to bear arms is all well and good but doesn’t serve an openly offensive columnist too well. I’ve had enough trouble here with psychos from Brookes, I will not be visiting Louisiana any time soon. The Democrats, on the other hand, have done a great job of ensuring no one ‘pops a cap in my ass’ while still leaving some room to be as badass as Chuck Norris — in 40 states, there are no regulations against owning flamethrowers. No idea how that happened but, for the right to barbecue in style, you’ve got my vote.

I’ve cracked it! The reason our Vice-Chancellor gets paid an extra £180,000 is because he gets paid to write this column! You’re him!! Hello Andrew! Did not know you were a secret lad… Keep up the good work!

As we’ve established previously, I get paid with beer and women. I am therefore not Andrew Hamilton. Frankly, I’d say the monetary value of my salary is closer to £18 than £180,000. I’m in this for the (anonymous) FAME, not the monies.

There was another assault in Cowley last week. I’m not a girl so I’m not too worried. All the same, any advice to stop me getting murdered on the walk home?

First of all, I’m a bit concerned by your psychologically revealing self-analysis that you are “not a girl”. Are you a boy? A man? Definitely not a lad then? If you combine that with the phrase “not too worried”, you’ve basically cast yourself in a very dubious light. Aside from more self-confidence, best advice to avoid a mugging on the way home is to cycle. Get yourself a fly road bike (though none of that brightly-coloured/vintage hipster shit) and, if you see any potential attackers, run them down. A particularly good move is the pass-and-kick, which involves clearing the immediate area of threats by building up speed and ramming your heel into their teeth. Just make sure your target is definitely a knife-wielding crazy, not a schoolchild. You can get in trouble for that one.

I was so annoyed when Wikipedia blacked out last week. They could at least warn us when that’s going to happen, so we can download things in advance. I missed a whole day of work.

Seriously, Agony Lad’s inbox is getting tired of receiving statements rather than questions. I am here because you aspire to be me and want my advice. I am not a wall at which you may throw all of your catastrofucks in the hope they’ll make like OFCOM watching Top Gear’s India special and self-destruct. Quoth the master, Jimmy Wales, founder of Wikipedia: “If you’re looking for porn on Wikipedia, you’re doing it wrong”. He came to Oxford to tell us that. What a lad. Unlike shlads, he realises that there are three key functions of the internet. Email, sports scores and porn. In that order. All of those things are accessible without Wikipedia. If there’s a another blackout, take the day off and max out all three. Just don’t command + tab too liberally or you’ll end up pleasuring yourself to Plymouth Argyle and an email from your mum.

Last week the Cherwell had “Not watch sport” as one of their “Ten things to do in 2012”. Surely you have something to say about this?

Damn straight. Aside from being plain wrong, they’ve not even fulfilled their own criteria. That’s not a thing to do. That’s a thing not to do. Doesn’t go with the things to do. Follow? Of course, as I write for a more respected paper (even if that means I can’t talk about skin tight jeans, organically-sourced produce and Joni Mitchell quite as much as I want to — it’s such a burden) I’m maybe being a little too harsh. Our editorial standards are far more rigorous. Some OxStu gremlin meticulously checks this column every week, looking out for whether I’ve said “gash” too few times, making sure I’ve talked about alcohol and “lash” enough and ensuring I keep a fair and balanced viewpoint proportionally representative of all of our readers and their respective minority opinions. (Fine, that last one never happens.) Maybe the Cherwell think sport is just for the bros, not for the hipsters. I respect them for that. Now back to your knitting.