Agony Lad: Week 5

Student Life

The douchebag jar in New Girl (Channel 4 or ch131.com of you’re fine with illegal streaming) is a pretty good idea. Every time Schmidt says something douchebag-y, he has to put money in the jar. Any thoughts for rolling out this system worldwide?

Schmidt seems like a stand-up guy — he’s a professional lawyer and a modern-day Casanova (according to a quick Google). So stop having a go at the Schmidt. If anyone needs the douchebag jar, it’s people who qualify a reference to ch131.com with parenthesised guilt-tripping. Big dogs don’t wait for terrestrial television when high speed lad internet just gained more bandwidth thanks to the downfall of Megaporn.

Cooking in the kitchen. Is it laddish or not? Traditionally, I know lads love a Chinese takeaway or a meal out, but rugby players and olympic swimmers are always cooking up loads of pasta. Can’t work it out.

There are a few simples rules to ensure your home cooking remains lad-friendly. (Like dolphin-friendly tuna, we don’t want playing Mummy to kill the lad inside you.) If you’re making something you usually get at home, or something that isn’t a big piece of meat and takes more than an hour, it’s not lad-friendly. Legitimate cooking includes: peanut butter on toast, re-heated takeaways and pot noodle. The epitome of lad cuisine is The Breakfast Pizza. £2 Pizza Express sloppy giuseppe at Cowley Tesco. 8 minutes on 200 degrees. Perfect way to start the day.

I remember the days when Toby ‘Beers’ Baker was trying to add the whole of Facebook to promote his club nights. Should a true lad aim find their own ‘lad’ middle name?

Absolutely never. Nicknames are fine. Middle names, not so much. It’s just the Hoff. Not David ‘the Hoff’ Hasselhoff. You know all of those used-to-be-friends you still have on Facebook with the quirky faux middle names? You don’t want that to happen. In the company of other lads, patiently wait for a variation of your surname to develop, then complain enough so it sticks.

Facebook’s about to make a lot of money for Mark Zuckerberg, but it all began in his dorm room at Harvard. Any suggestions for how Oxford students can ensure a similar win?

What gave my friend Markie the tools he needed to create The Facebook wasn’t his entrepreneurial drive, his good work ethic or his meticulous attention to detail. It was his environmental upbringing. And by that I mean extreme lad culture. Anyone who’s seen The Social Network knows he worked all-nighters to make The Facebook work, with only beer (and occasionally women) for support. Replicate those conditions, reap the reward.

What’s Agony Lad’s position on the new This is Jesus campaign?

Agony Lad will be running a rival This is Lad campaign. If you need a religion for support, make sure you pick the right one. We’ll be having text-a-hash-brownie Tuesday with free copies of the Lad Gospel. There’s no obligation to attend our weekly services in Park End, but becoming an enthusiastic member of our congregation will secure your entry into eternal laddom.

My friend at OxStu says you’re a finalist. Are you going to pass the Agony Lad baton on to someone new? Can it be ME?! I’m such a lad!! Can I have it if I guess who you are? xx

I’m not giving out clues. Just as my end strikes, curious and roving readers oblige little leads? I think not. Agony Lad never describes himself as a finalist. Too much mirth-burglary in being a lash-free third-year. A lad-themed obstacle course for all who want to compete isn’t a bad idea though: I’m seeing funnels, kegs of Heineken and making/consuming the perfect steak. Those who manage to complete the course will reach the weigh-in (‘Fat College’) to see who has taken on the most lad. With your ‘xx’, I’m guessing you’re not that keen.

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