If there were to be a scrooge of Valentine’s Day it would be me. I never receive cards and so never send them, I hate roses, I strongly dislike poems, I don’t like the colour red and I have never felt my heart beat – doctors are in deep discussion as to whether I possess one.
Not only am I unloving and probably heartless but I think Valentine’s Day is truly horrid for those who like me carry out the annual ritual of staring keenly into the disappointing, empty vacuum of our pidge. My melancholy increases though when upon turning to leave the porters lodge I encounter pidges stuffed with cards, chocolates and roses. Such scenes of devastation are as you can imagine heart breaking – even for the heartless. We hear so much in Oxford about our education system reflecting and reinforcing the economic divides in society. But doesn’t Valentine’s Day do the same for the social structure within college? For the popular and pretty it is a day of elation, whereas for the likes of me it is a day of despair.
But this year I am taking action. I have decided to advertise myself in the lonely-hearts column of a local paper. Taking inspiration from an excellent example I saw advertised once I have decided to be brutally honest – we wouldn’t want anymore let downs –
‘Sinister-looking 19 year old with a face that only a mother would love: imagine Gordon Brown with a moustache and you have my better-looking cousin. Adequate conversation, great for dimly lit romantic meals. Perfect for when the electricity just happens to fail. Woman of any age. Pidge me.’
It’s always best to tell the truth. I hope my valiant effort plays off, and even if it doesn’t I like to think I am adding a bit of honesty to the game. Far from reinventing myself, as so many do on Valentine’s Day I am confident my tell all approach will mean that I will not have to spend yet another Tuesday evening at Camera exhibiting my dance manoeuvres to gain some attention.
Wish me luck on my crusade. And for the lucky few whose pidges will be bursting on Tuesday, don’t forget the rest of us!