Quoth the Master: Future Investments

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Life after university is a scary thing, Some of my friends have already expressed concerned about CVs which consist only of “lash organiser”, “college bar scholar”, or “Wahoo sexual predator, with honours”. I find it more than a little worrying that those in the year below me are already bolstering their credentials with summer vacation schemes, starting new business societies, and going to the proctors accusing certain college magazine editors of libel (a vital commercial skill, if ever there was one). Conversely, I spent my summer break in a largely unconscious state, in various contexts. Alas, if only the Careers Service had offered those elusive internships in Mortal Kombat or Magic: The Gathering that I’ve been hoping for these past three years: no such luck. As a result, I’ve been thinking of ways to invest in my  later life, and secure a steady stream of Xbox games and alcohol for my future family.

The answer I came up with was fairly simple: it occurred to me when that despicable MP was fired from his government post for standing next to a man dressed as a Nazi at a party (as opposed to Prince Harry who merely dressed as a Nazi at a party, which was of course far less deplorable). Pretty unfortunate for that MP. Pretty unfortunate that he never had the chance to pay for that photo not to be shown to anyone, for example. In that respect (and luckily for them), every PPEist I know on Facebook is in a far better position than he was.

If you haven’t clocked it yet, Facebook is an Oxbridge goldmine of profitable photo opportunities, which I will term “friendmail”, because blackmail isn’t very 21st century. Every crewdate, ‘fox-hunt’, or sluts-and-genocide-themed college bop is a potential investment in your financial future. PPE freshers are the dream: always drunk, eager to please with both laddishness and hilariously offensive costumes, but most importantly of all: statistically certain to be our country’s next leaders. So make friends with them, dote on them, like you would a baby calf that was clearly destined for a fabulous steak and chips. Encourage banterously upsetting costumes at every opportunity, but always bear in mind how they will look in twenty years time: Zombie Whitney Houston may seem great today, but in terms of newspaper outrage, it probably won’t age as well as a classic like Princess Di or Margaret Thatcher. But most importantly of all, keep a trusty camera on you at all times, and be selfish with your pictures: you wouldn’t put your pension on Facebook, so be prudent where you stick your photo investments. It’s your future (and theirs!), after all.

-Alexander Shattock

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