Agony Lad: Week 7


I’m a first year starting to think about booking a ticket for a summer ball. Not sure whether it’s worth it — I already went to the Union Ball in Michaelmas. Any particular recommendations? 

First off, Union balls are to other balls what Tesco value broken biscuits are to Marks and Spencer’s italicized shortbread. You cannot put a commemoration ball in the same category. Personally, I’ll be hitting up Magdalen but — if you’re not a big enough dog to get a ticket — St. Hugh’s is the ball of choice this summer. Save some dollar at £85, get hammered and hope that, despite being Odyssey-themed, the actual night doesn’t feel like a 10-year battle followed by a 10-year chunder-filled cab ride home.

Watching the sporting gods of the Superbowl was intense. The Americans know how to do sport. Why do we not have American Football in Oxford? 

Apparently we do: the Oxford Saints. Don’t use Agony Lad instead of Google. They’re big enough dogs to have their own online store stocked with replica shirts. They say: “The Saints Ethic is simple… Work Hard. Play Hard.” Sounds like a noble sport for any lad. BUT WAIT. “The gameday environment is ideal for all the family.” What the bejesus is a gameday environment? And … “We attract many spectators from the surrounding areas … so, if you decide to come along, bring everyone with you!!!”. Oh no. Overly keen and desperate, as well as putting spectators on par with inquisitive rabbits. Shit lads. There’s a reason these “sporting gods” wear so much padding. It’s to hid the fact that, beneath all of that foam soaked with Gatorade and testosterone, there’s a tiny, scared little boy. If you want to know how sport is done, you should have watched proper football against Brookes last weekend. Brutal. As for the Oxford Saints, maybe they’ll be off their lad stabilisers one day. Not yet men, not yet lads.

After This is Jesus, are you looking forward to Rowan Williams vs. Richard Dawkins at the Sheldonian?

Oh hey Jesus, this is Richard Dawkins. You two’ll get on like a temple on… Wait. I should point out the the This is Lad campaign went down a storm at Park End on Wednesday night. Anyone lucky enough to have witnessed special guest Tommy Wiseau from ‘The Room’ singing along with Agony Lad to Madonna’s ‘Like A Prayer’ (Superbowl-inspired) — sorry about the strawpedoing. It wasn’t that we didn’t know they were your drinks, it was more we didn’t expect to get caught. I only hope there’s a comparable post-debate lash: Rowan gets happy drunk + Richard has a breakdown = biggest DMC evaaa.

Mate, have you seen the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas? The doctors and nurses of the best-themed lad restaurant in the world were in the news this week after one Top Lad actually had a heart attack after taking on one of their monster burgers! Lad! Where can I do the same in Oxford?

If it’s just the heart attack you’re looking for, you can try visiting a certain college’s JCR at 6pm on a Friday night. Walking in on a meeting of one ‘chapter’ of the Assassins’ Guild generally involves being slapped in the face with a rubber-hilted sword by paranoid scientists shouting “Kill him! KILL HIM.” Do not overreact and clothesline one of the foam-wielding gigglers. Apparently that’s ‘taking it too seriously’ and ‘ruining it for everyone’.

Re: heart attack man. Apparently he left without paying. Not a lad. Also, the concept of a Heart Attack Grill might seem quite top lad but this restaurant has indeed ‘taken it too seriously’ and ‘ruined it for everyone’. Step up Wikipedia: “…customers who finish a Triple or Quadruple Bypass Burger … are placed on a wheelchair and wheeled out to their vehicle by their ‘personal nurse’…”. That does not make you look like a lad. Have you not seen Epic Meal Time? It’s a more aggressive Man versus Food (YouTube it). You can make food porn in your own home! No need to a) pay for a heart attack or b) role-play ER as a fat cripple.

But DIY Epic Meal Time is only sustainable for so long. Once you’ve eaten enough Meat Fortresses, switch to plan B: if you’re over 25 stone you eat at the Heart Attack Grill for free. But you have to weigh in with a doctor/nurse beforehand, obviously. Bear in mind this plan does involve moving to Las Vegas but, whaddahell, there are other lad-related advantages of living in Sin City. (If you’re happy without casinos and hookers, the Godzilla Challenge at Cowley’s Atomic Burger is equally acceptable.)

Will the snow ever return? It made getting to college difficult but I had so much fun making snow angels!

If these angels weren’t naked (or women), I don’t want to know. I presume you exhausted drawing penises in the snow first.


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