The Oscars – Live Blog

Dear world, welcome to the official OxStu Oscars liveblog. Tonight, the OxStu film team will be pulling out all the stops to give you a glorious extravaganza of an evening. Sit back, relax and enjoy as OxStu film’s very own three wise men take you through the coverage, from bad dresses to minor upsets. Refresh manually.

05:35 – The final awards go thus: Balthazar who has 17/24 while Melchior and Caspar have 16/24. A great win for Balthazar. Anyway, the Oscars were quite enthralling despite Billy Crystal’s inept presenting. See you next year.

– p.s. our ‘code names’ were horribly pretentious weren’t they? So much for the Oxford stereotype…

05:20 – So the the final results go thus: The Artist is the best film of the year, with the best actor and director. That was a well deserved award for a film that will rank up there with the greats: a stunning film. Hugo took the most Oscars, if not the best ones, but it was a very good film nonetheless. The Artist may not have the quantity of Oscars, but it has the quality.

04:51 – The Artist  won the key awards today, a vindication of its quality. The Artist was the standout film of the year, Michael Hazanavicius deserved his award and Jean Dujardin was truly exceptional in his role. Well deserved.

04:36 – The Artist won. Hurr durr…

04:27 – Actress…Streep…It’s pavlovian by now surely. If a pavlovian response included repeated snubs in which case she’s owed the crying. She saved it with ‘the never getting it again’ statement. Stop crying.

04:26 – Firth is fit. Done.

04:12 – We’ve missed a massive portion of the Oscars due to SOPA…that’ll get the internet-literate types going.

03:53 – A deserved win for The Artist. It was a fantastic film, and superbly directed. The OxStu team all got it right. Well done, although I’m not a big fan of the speech.

03:47 – Huge win for Fantastic Flying Books. Well deserved for a fantastic film.

03:43 – Balthazar is coined Balthar-twat and Saving Face wins. He predicted it. Horrible.

03:40 – I got overexcited when I thought the Academy had compensated with a Bridesmaid’s original screenplay…alas they went to The Shore. Hinds wins again.

03:30- Woody Allen wins original screenplay, grow up. It’s culturally significant.

03:27 – Descendants win best adapted screenaplay. One of the few times the three wise men have managed to agree.

03:25 – Never seen a presenter applauded so much for leaving.

03:18 – Man or Muppet won best…you know the rest.

03:14 – Best score goes to The Artist. Of course it does.

03:12 – Owen Wilson is back. He tried to kill himself a few years ago…Pointing that out was probably insensitive…Actually it was.

03:00 – Supporting actor time – Plummer. Everyone sighs in relief.

02:53 – Emma Stone is nailing presenting. Rise for 2, Harry Potter for an ill-advised one prediction. Hugo wins. Shots all round.

02:49 – Just saw a horrific gun advert. Glad to be British.

02:47  – Animated feature counted. Caspar and Balthasar on 7/11, Melchior lagging on 5/11.

02:45 – Chris Rock funniest presenter so far.

02:44 – Caspar wins documentary for Undefeated. Shame on Academy for not picking Purgatory.

02:38 – Some form of dancing. What is this?

02:35 – Caspar describes Miss Piggy as oddly alluring.

02:32 – Melchior is the only one not to have seen Leon. Shame on  him. He drinks.

02:30  – Portman unanimously agreed to  be crazy fit. She is easily the best looking Israeli Harvard visiting lecturer I know.

02:27- Casper out on a limb with Transformers here. Two others for Hugo. Hugo wins and Casper is humbled. Hugo does deserve it and Michael Bay deserves to be repeatedly decapitated. You win some you lose some.

02:26 – 5-5-3-here scores wise. Hugo wins sound editing and drive doesn’t. Travesty.

02:23 – 2 for The Artist here for editing. Casper is out on a limb with The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo He wins and takes it takes it in suitably subtle fashion.

02:19 – Billy Crystal actually makes relevant and insightful comment about how Hollywood works. Shocking. I applaud him for this. Shame it couldn’t have come half an hour earlier.

02:15 – First tears of the night from Spencer. Something tells  me they won’t be the last.

02:12 – As an addendum we’ve all gone for Spencer. And she wins! Insert {OUCA was one allegedly insensitive} joke here.

02:11 – Bale is up. He’s going to fuck shit up surely…or is that OUCA when Otavia Spencer wins?

02:10 – Billy Crystal. Go home. Go home now.

02:08 – A Separation wins best foreign language film. OxStu central goes wild. Well deserved.

02:06 – Daniel Day-Lewis may be a great actor, but he’s a total nutcase as well. I know this is irrelevant. Also, Sandra Bullock is speaking Chinese. WTF?

02:04 – The Lorax is about economic responsibility guys not SUVs. A kind reminder from Balthazar there.

02:00 – OxStu wise men all correct on makeup. Clearly we have a calling.

01:57 – For all those E! fans out there it’s make-up!!! The FETCHest of categories. We’ve all gone for The Iron Lady. The Iron Lady wins! Melchior is off the mark. And on to a sure loss we’re all sure.

01:54 – Costume design time. 1 for Hugo, The Artist and W.E. The Artist wins and Balthazar loses his shit. Melchior is losing with 0 wins. ..

01:54 – Fun fact – Billy Crystal isn’t funny.

01:51 – Tree of Life is dividing the room. Is it great, pretentious or both. Also, is Billy Crystal the worst presenter ever?

01:46 – Why isn’t Tom Hanks presenting the Oscars? He’s such a charming man.

01:45 – Casper won with art design there correctly guessing Hugo. See start of blog for glib, horrible and ineffectual slander.

01:44  – We got cinematography wrong with Tree of Life. Hugo won and creativity and artistic integrity died.

01:43 – Tom Hanks comes to the stage, instantly gets more laughs than Billy Crystal.

01:42 Carl Swaybo is looking SWANK. MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!

01:41 Absolutely dying on his bloated ass.

01:40 – Billy Crystal is singing. What the hell?

01:38 – Caspar first mentions Fassbender’s orgasm face, and then follows up by exclaiming “bollocks!” at Tree of Life. I think he may have genitalia on the brain.

01:36 – Casper thinks that Fassbender crying into the camera and climaxing was the best film this year.

01:32 – Whenever you think of Clooney you always forget he was ER don’t you? You’re an idiot.

01:25 – Films that hit us emotionally: Caspar – United 93, Melchior – Toy Story 3, Balthasar – Million Dollar Baby. You may not have realised, but this is starting to drag.

01:22 – Tom Hanks just came onscreen. I’m not a huge fan. Thanks, but no Hanks.

01:15 – Our rules dictate we have to say a certain famous phrase whenever certain people come on screen. Angelina Jolie has had a completely forgettable career.

01:14 Just compared what movie posters we have on our walls. Balthazar unsurprisingly treasures his American Beauty ‘naked girl in flowers’ poster above all.

01:11 – George Clooney is standing next to an attractive woman. Balthasar is the only one able to identify her. His internet history comes under suspicion.

01:07 – We just did a straw poll of how many academy award winners came from each college. Balthasar and Melchior have one each, Caspar seems more interested in baptist ministers.

01:06 – Bradley Cooper’s new moustache is as ill advised as an application to Regent’s Park.

01:04 – My DAIZ! Bradley Cooper has a ‘stache! Still Beaut though. Still fetch.

01:02 – Muppets interview. Fun fact: there exists muppet porn on the internet. Caspar is a fan. See Rule 34.

01:01 – Cameron Diaz interview. Fun fact: She starred in a soft porn before she was famous. Balthazar’s a fan.

01:00 – Just saw an advert with William Shatner dancing. I might go to bed now.

00:58 – Cheese pizza advert now. With a dog. Can’t help but think about all of the Oscar buzz about what is obstensibly an animal. Then I realised that’s mental and that everyone needs to grow up.

00:56 – Caspar has mentioned Sucker Punch, fortunately it went largely unnoticed as Melchior drooled over an interview with Penelope Cruz.

00:54 – Vampire Diaries is being mentioned…can’t help but feel that E!’s coverage has lost some of the film-centric integrity that it has adhered to thus far.

00:52 – In a similar vein, I wonder what OULC thought of The Iron Lady?

00:51 – Thought for the day…I wonder what OUCA thinks of The Help?

00:48 – Caspar seems to be under the delusion that he’s writing for E! He’s not. He’s involved with a far classier organisation; The OxStu

00:46 – Kristen Wiig is looking resplendent. And such a good writer too!…the world is her oyster. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!! She’s looking so fetch!

00:42 – Balthasar’s chat just gets worse. Spare me. In other news, he has big love for Emma Stone.

00:39 – When do the academy awards actually start? The combination of dress analysis and Balthasar’s awful chat is driving me to an early death.

00:27 – No sighting of cinematic maestro Uwe Boll yet. We still await the arrival of Germany’s premier director; the man behind such classics as House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark.

00:25 – First incorrect identification of the night has emerged from the mouth of Caspar. Octavia Spencer has been identified as Viola Davis. Poor error, particularly given our earlier post about Viola Davis’ green dress.

00:18 – Sacha Baron-Cohen has outdone himself today. Not only has he turned up in a silly costume, but he just poured an urn of ashes over the presenter for E! How exciting. The presenter didn’t seem too pleased.

00:10 – Sacha Baron Cohen has arrived, and is in character as the dictator. Fingers crossed that his new film is better than Bruno; it shouldn’t be too hard.

00:08 – Final predictions are in. Caspar has already lost.

00:03 – While making predictions, Caspar rapidly declares himself out of the race with stupid decisions.

23:50 – Rooney Mara has just been spotted. Fun fact, she got her nipples pierced for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

23:48 – Kelly Osborne is telling me about dress colour composition. This is shaping up to be a long, long evening.

23:43 – The red carpet ceremony has kicked off, Viola Davis is in green and George Clooney is, quite predictably, wearing a suit. The evening is hotting up.