The Malcontent on: Trashings

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Ah, Trashings. Yet another obscure Oxford tradition designed to put the plebs in their places and have ourselves an exclusive little bubble of penguin-dressed academic funsies. Glitter, flour, the shoes of a sleeping tramp; there is nothing that cannot be acquisitioned and thrown merrily into the faces of your triumphant friends as you skip down the high street to unemployment.

All in good fun, you say (unless you’re a road-sweeper that is, in which case you should really have tried harder at school, shouldn’t you) but if you don’t look into the eyes of any passing stranger and see the words ‘wanker’ reflected back then you’ve clearly taken one too many shots of fairy-liquid to the face.

All in all I think it’s the general lack of dignity that bothers this Malcontent: If I wanted to look like I’d run through an arts-n-crafts warehouse covered in glue I’d shop at ‘Paul’s Boutique’. 

Besides, sweeping up the grand marble staircase in Exam Schools under the watchful but wonky eyes of long dead Kings I can almost imagine that I am in a Harry Potter film, or at least an old episode of Scooby-doo. These delusions of grandeur are ruined if I am rewarded with a ham-hat the second I step outside (calm down boys, that’s not a euphemism).

Now don’t get me wrong, it can be a great bonding experience. Staggering out of 20+ hours of over-heated, wobbly-tabled, whythefuckareyouaskingmethingswewerenttaught hell into the storm of organic missiles has a similar effect to being on the front line at the Somme; you either pull together or you push the fat one to the front and dive for cover. You emerge stronger people, better friends, and if you think ahead and bring Tupperware can save yourself several quid at the supermarket

By the time this reaches you dear reader, my days of procrastination will be done and I too will be a glittered, wasted wreck passed out on Port Meadow. For we must embrace what we cannot change. And after all, what better way to celebrate the culmination of 17 long years in education than as a cut-price extra in a Ke$ha video. 

Rose Newman