The Malcontent…on The Malcontent


God the world is terrible. If it’s not work or rain falling on me, it’s the knowledge of all those people out there having fun – standing in all those flashy pointless clubs swaying their heads from side to side, jetting off to some distant land, talking with others. Arseholes. I just think of all those leering faces, their silly hands, their index fingers, their fingernails, the bits of lunch under them, theiratoms. The bastards. We should… do… outlaw… I mean ban… send… attack… plaster… oh, I give up.

Being the Malcontent has destroyed me. My family disowned me for complaining about a birthday card. (Those penguins are smart-arsed pricks, okay?) I traumatised a Fresher so much in the pidge room on the first day about a missing dot on an ‘i’ that they dropped out. The Daily Mail turned me down for an internship!

I hate me. Why reserve a column for such a moaning bore? That’s what the Union’s for… oh, who am I kidding? I don’t even know where their building is, I just jumped on the bandwagon! Isn’t OUSU a kebab van?

I’m addicted to writing bile. I started paying others to write my articles – jolly bastards with their toilet conspiracies and conference parties. They paid me never to talk to them again. I was going to write about why bricks are too red until the editors threatened to replace me with an MI5 ad!

Why do you even read this? Do you enjoy hearing others moan? You’re worse than me. Well, that’s the last straw. I’m going to be happy. Bring on the Content!

I like clouds. Even when it’s overcast they’re just so big and impressive. Isn’t the world just so brilliant? It so great to be alive, especially studying at Oxford – I’m really lucky and should be thankful every day for getting in, I’ll work so hard from now on. God I’m looking forward to my future, all those job opportunities with financial firms; I’ll pay off my student loan a thousand times over! Aw, look at those Freshers, so sweet and optimistic, I’ll be sure to share my essays with them and give them every bit of help I can. Oh dear, just saw the time, I need to be down at the river to cheer on our rowers. Sure, they’re in 20th place, but it’s the taking part that counts. Maybe I’ll get to stare at some clouds while I’m there.

God life is wonderful.