Agony Toff

PHOTO// Truus, Bob & Jan too!


Dear Agony Lad, there’s a fit Fresher at Teddy Hall that I really want to get with, but I just can’t pluck up the courage. Care to share any of your master pulling tekkers?
I beg your pardon? Dear fellow, I am not Agony Lad. That reckless ruffian has come down with a severe case of rustication, and about time, too. If I may be of assistance, however, I would say that your attitude is entirely wrong. The young lady in question is not a prize to be snatched, but a delicate flower to be wooed and courted. Try a hand-picked bouquet of lilies, some choice verse, and a sharp three-piece suit, and you can’t go wrong. I don’t know what ‘Tekkers’ is, although it does sound a little like Chequers, where Uncle Dave lunched with me the other day.

So who the fuck are you?

Language, good sir. Vulgar is not the same as funny, don’t you know? Anyhow, my name is Agony Toff. This fine newspaper found itself one columnist short, after my predecessor decided that eviscerating his liver and accumulating trouser crustaceans were more important than his place at the world’s finest centre of lore and learning. So, I gallantly stepped into the breach.
Well, then Agony Toff, if you’re so gallant, perhaps you can help me clean the graffiti off my new room at Hugh’s?
To that I say, aquila non capit muscas. That sounds awfully like a job for a poor person, so perhaps you could get one of those to do it for you?

What the hell were the journos thinking when they employed you? Can’t we have a normal advice column that isn’t grossly offensive to someone?

Grossly offensive? Good God, man, that is slander. In fact, I think you will find I am an honourable and accommodating individual. I treat women with respect, pay my servants well, and feed my favourite beagle, Galahad, only the finest highland steaks. The only people I can’t tolerate are those that are too unusual. Weirdoes like practicing homosexuals and members of the Church of England, you know?

Agony Toff, my Battels have cancelled out my student loan, and so I find myself a little short of coin. Any tips for staying in the black?

Although I personally have never encountered financial difficulties, I did once meet someone at a train station who had, and so I fully understand what you’re going through. Fortunately, my second cousin Gideon has been working furiously to lower the 50% tax rate to 45%, so that should give you some breathing space. In the meantime, the trick is to cut back. Only go out with the Bullers once a week. When you have to get from, say, Christ Church to Magdalen, take the Jag, not the Rolls. Perhaps open up one of the family pads so plebs can wander around and take photos? Remember, we’re all in this together.

My new accommodation is in Cowley, and it’s a real hassle to get anywhere. Can I pressure College to move me somewhere more convenient?

I’m sorry, I have never heard of this area. I have forwarded your query to [email protected]


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