Cold-blooded college say no to lizard

College News News

The Christ Church JCR has passed a motion to adopt a “majestic Bearded Dragon” and appointed a new Lizard Rep to keep him alive.

Quentin, the Bearded Dragon, owned by JCR member Inigo Lapwood, was amended into the original proposed motion to purchase a JCR goldfish, because Quentin is “sadly underappreciated at home”.

Describing his motivation for introducing the amendment, Lapwood stated: “Goldfish are incredibly boring” and that the college: “Already have a fuck-off massive college goldfish, living in the pond in the middle of Tom Quad. No-one really likes this goldfish.”

The subsequently-amended motion, which removed all references to fish, passed with only a handful of people either voting against or abstaining, which Lapwood described as “a landslide vote”.

Unfortunately, the Christ Church censors subsequently vetoed the proposal, ruling that the adoption of a Bearded Lizard was highly impractical.

After the meeting, Georgia Lotter, JCR secretary, sent an email to all undergraduates breaking the news: “We discussed it with college and the issues arose that lizards are actually notoriously difficult to care for and require complicated lighting, heat conditions and diets to be looked after properly.

“Gorgeous as our JCR is, and great as it would be to party with a lizard at bops, it turns out it’s not a very lizard-friendly environment.”

If the censors had given the go-ahead, the adoption of Quentin would have been coupled with the establishment of a new JCR position with the sole responsibility of safeguarding his welfare.

“The new JCR position would have been a minimal responsibility position,” said Lapwood. “Quentin would have arrived in college with all the equipment needed, and given that his diet for the last two years has consisted of salad and protein shake (he’s basically a rower), I doubt the Lizard Rep would have too arduous a task keeping him alive.”

Yet, he continued by explaining that he had no intention of running for the position. He said: “It’s only fair that someone else gets a chance to train Quentin to use his innate Dragon powers.”

It seems, however, that Lapwood’s view that “Bearded Dragons are better than fish” is not universal. An anonymous fresher, who was not present at the JCR meeting, commented: “This whole business seems completely impractical. If the whole thing hadn’t been blown out of proportion by introducing bearded dragons into the equation, we would have a nice, peaceful goldfish in our common room right now.”

Hearing these views, another first year argued that the amendment goes “against the universal laws of Pokemon”. He explained: “You can’t evolve a measly fish into a majestic lizard, without expecting the forces-that-be to come and fuck you right up.”

These views appear to echo the sentiment in the original goldfish motion which stated “that a goldfish in the JCR, looked after on a rota by JCR committee members, would be of benefit both psychologically and aesthetically.”

The Christ Church censors were unavailable for comment when contacted by The Oxford Student.