Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th
On a spontaneous trip to the struggling HMV to engage in some nostalgia, you will purchase a series 2 of The Wire for £15. However, on leaving the store, you will be offered a mint condition 1955 Cadillac for two quid. Having spent your last spare cash on the DVD, you will be forced to reject the offer and regret it for the rest of your life. Miss a go.
Pisces: February 19th – March 20th
I offer some guidance to improve your well-being in the days to come: Please do stop attempting to be forward-looking. It only results in ruminating on the essays of tomorrow, the social awkwardness of next weekend and the exams of next term, and does it leave you more prepared? Better to ignore the fact that, this being Oxford, chances are the future is difficult and painful. Instead, get drunk.
Aries: March 21st – April 19th
At some point during the inevitable passage of the next few days you will find yourself interrogated in some manner: you will be asked by a stranger how many fingers he or she is holding up, and will, through jest or intoxication, answer erroneously.
Taurus: April 20th – May 20th
The time has come for you to rebel: too long have whatever nameless oppressors you’re not keen on been doing that thing that gets on your nerves, and you’re sure as hell not the only one to be mildly irritated by this. If you don’t let your middling levels of frustration surface now you’ll give yourself a stomach ulcer sooner or later.
Gemini: May 21st – June 21st
Are you aware of Eduard Khil and the contributions he has made to music? If not, look it up. I sense that his soothing baritone would assist you in focusing on your work and maintaining your sanity. Trolololol….
Cancer: June 22nd – July 22nd
This week your life will take on a rather bizarre resemblance to the film Dodgeball. An underdog story will pan out humorously, with some obnoxious moustached twat nearly ruining everything and being at the last moment thwarted, making for a heart-warming end to third week. After this, you will gratefully thrive in the company of your true friends, and some hot girl in sports shorts. Unless you are in fact the moustached twat, in which case screw you.
Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd
This will be a week of reckless abandon. In a manner most frivolous, you will throw caution to the wind and wreak havoc with your finances, for this week you will enter the world of inadvisable impulsive eBay purchases. That second-hand eyelash curler or lightly worn tupperware set from smoke-free home could and SHALL be yours, provided you make your bid with 2 seconds to go.
Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
In the event of a zombie apocalypse, please remain calm and acquire an offensive weapon at your earliest convenience. Having done that, briefly consider which of the zombie movie stereotypes you best suit, and from this, determine the likelihood of your survival. Behave accordingly. I’m not saying it’ll happen this week. Just bear it in mind.
Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd
I sense (by mystical, rather than olfactory means…) that showering has not been high enough on your to-do list recently. I can only discourage any attempts to cultivate the body’s natural oils, greases and pheromones. Soap is your friend, and your pizza-ridden, sweat-soaked, polyester-clad student life-style is not.
Scorpio : October 23rd – November 21st
A warning to you: Lock your doors. Lock your windows. Hide your cuddly toys, essay notes, leftover alcohol and everything you hold dear. It’s not that you have enemies, but as it turns out your friends can be a thieving and devious lot.
Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st
You may or may not be expecting test results at this point. I can assure you though, casting my gaze through the mists of time and seeing with great clarity events to come, that by the end of the week you shall most certainly be waiting on results of some kind, and my dear, they will be positive. Congratulations.
Capricorn: December 22nd-January 19th
I KNOW what you did last week, you reprobate. Shameful. If I can’t persuade you never to do it again, at least keep it to a minimum so that things can at least maintain the appearance of civility. You can get deaned for that sort of behaviour you know. What would the neighbours think…