Deadline Day: 31 January 2014

news roomIt’s transfer deadline day, 2014, and the OxStu sports team is bringing you every update, direct from the newsroom and live from our reporters on the ground, in the air, and running alongside Harry Redknapps’s Range Rover.


Questioned about rumours linking him with Scott Parker, Harry Redknapp, manager of fourth-placed QPR, declares: “Scott’s a fantastic player, but he’s under contract at Tottenham. He’s a great talent, but he’s a Tottenham player and that’s that.”


Premier League clubs are on standby as rumours trickle through that Barcelona are prepared to sell Lionel Messi for a cut-price £5 million after a training ground row with manager Jose Mourinho. A source for Sky Sports News commented: “What would I know about that? I just mop the floor. Stop asking me questions.” Meanwhile, QPR announce the signing of Scott Parker.


Sam Allardyce denies he is living in the past with his signing of the 46-year-old Youri Djorkaeff , claiming that the Frenchman would be the perfect foil behind his attacking duo of Kevin Davies and Jay-Jay Okocha. In Merseyside, pictures emerge of Everton manager David Moyes busking for money outside Goodison Park, singing Jessie J’s “Price Tag”.


Wayne Rooney declares he wants to leave Manchester United, citing “irreconcilable differences” after Ferguson replaced his favourite Salt and Vinegar crisps in the club’s vending machine with Smoky Bacon. Ferguson: “No player is bigger than the club.”


When asked whether he was thinking about making an offer for Lionel Messi, Arsene Wenger replies: “I do not like buying players in January. You do not get good value for money. I am happy with the squad I have.” Pictures emerge of Everton manager David Moyes shouting at pigeons outside Goodison Park.


Wigan Athletic manager Roberto Martinez admits in a press conference that he’s never even heard of his new signing, Burkina Faso international Hugues-Wilfried Dah. “But no-one had heard of Mauro Boselli before either,” the Spaniard points out.Manchester United confirm that they are in talks with Barcelona over a swap deal involving Wayne Rooney and Lionel Messi.


Newcastle United announce that goalkeeper Tim Krul will be leaving the club, to be replaced by former French president Nicolas Sarkozy. “C’est une opportunité fantastique pour l’équipe,” declares Alan Pardew. Pictures emerge of Everton manager David Moyes sobbing into a bottle of vodka outside Goodison Park.


News filters through that Manchester City have made a £70 million bid for last season’s top goalscorer Fernando Torres. Fans’ favourite Rafael Benitez, manager of Premier League champions Chelsea, refuses to comment when leaving the training ground.


With fewer than twenty minutes to go until the window shuts, talks are still underway between Manchester United and Barcelona, whilst Harry Redknapp announces that he will not be making any more signings. “I’m happy with the squad I’ve got,” he tells reporters out of his car window.


Manchester United announce that Wayne Rooney has signed a new six-year contract worth £300,000 a week. “It was never about the money,” Rooney announces, holding an empty packet of Quavers.


The Premier League announce that Fernando Torres’ move to Manchester City will not go through, after City’s chief executive failed to fax through the relevant forms in time. “Who uses fax any more?” asked owner Roman Abramovich. Meanwhile, QPR announce the signing of Lionel Messi from Barcelona. Harry Redknapp declares he is “delighted”.

PHOTO/Phil Rankin, Jaqueline Poggi, Lawrence OP