St Catz declare war on Magdalen

College News News

sandbagsSt Catz has this week declared war on their neighbours Magdalen in a shock JCR motion, thought to be one of the first of its kind.

The motion resolved to set up a war committee with powers to use spies and to purchase “weapons of war” in order to achieve the “elimination of Magdalen military capacity”.

This motion came in retaliation of a “brutal and unprovoked” attack by Magdalen College in which one member of Catz JCR, Brother  Shankar, was allegedly attacked with a shard of glass.

The JCR noted that “his wounds filled the moat with blood”, though this claim has not been verified.

The attack was reported to have occurred after a night out at Bridge after Shankar cut his hand on a piece of glass outside Magdalen.

Shankar commented that the injury “was sustained in a reconnaissance mission after a Catz rally meeting in Park End”.

“I am unable to reveal the details of the operation, but the wound was sustained by a glass bottle, which may or may not have been planted by rival Magdalen agents. The intrigue continues, and this act has become a symbol of our defiance,” he added.

The motion was passed after a rousing speech which called for “solidarity and combat” to stop Magdalen “expanding in a brutal quest for lebensraum”.

The JCR motion included a clause stating: “We will fight them in the car park. We will them on the bridges. We will fight them in the library and in the music house. We will fight them in hall – we will never surrender.”

This spirit was embodied by Sownak Bose, a fourth-year physicist, who commented that “too long have we played the part of the neglected younger brother and lived in Magdalen’s shadow”.

He added: “Resilience will be fierce.  I hope this instils renewed solidarity amongst those at Catz.”

Pacifists who opposed the outbreak of war were quickly met with accusations that they were merely Magdalen spies sent to undermine the war effort.

Chris Starkey, the proposer of the motion, commented that the success of his crusade was of utmost importance to the wellbeing of Catz JCR.  “It was a necessary step, and I think now that we are in a state of resistance more and more funds need to be diverted to the war effort,” he said.

When asked how Starkey proposed to fight the war he commented: “The next move is to extend the hand of allegiance to neighbouring colleges to try and triangulate then.”

A number of concerns were expressed including fears about the funding of the conflict, but it was resolved that: “Spoils of war can replenish the funds of the war budget.”

A further consideration was the impact hostilites might have on the wildlife caught in no-man’s-land between the two military camps and so the JCR resolved to adopt Magdalen’s deer so as to “save them from the slaughter”.

At the outbreak of war Catz members seemed confident that total victory would be achieved in a matter of weeks.  One JCR member commented at the JCR meeting: “We are a larger college and should not be underestimated.”

Matt Reynolds, a combatant from Catz, agreed: “Of course the College will have to suffer somewhat, rationing won’t go down well but I’m sure the Catz spirit will endure, just like it did in the Catz-Univ conflict of ’94.  Long live the Republic.”

Both Magdalen and St Catz college officials declined to comment on the impending bloodbath.


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