The war the merrier

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oxstu-warWar is spreading across Oxford, as St Hilda’s followed St Catherine’s lead to become the second college in as many weeks to declare war on Magdalen.

The declaration came at the end of a packed JCR meeting which passed the motion in response to Magdalen preventing St Hilda’s “from sailing our longboats to the Northern river system,” and because their “walled fortress aims to separate us from hunting grounds, preventing us from hunting deer in the winter.”

As a result of these offences, the JCR concluded: “It is time for us Hildabeasts to ride against our enemy and join our ancestors in mighty battle, so that we can feast in Valhalla for all eternity.”

Michael Poolton, self-proclaimed Field Marshall of the Hildabeasts, commented: “War is never something we enter lightly, but Magdalen have left us no choice. With threats of them buying our college, we must go once more into the deer park… As a JCR we stand united, we stand strong and we stand ready.

“We will fight them on the bridge. We will fight them in the Deer Park. We will fight them in the fields and in Sainsbury’s. We will fight them in the hall. We will never surrender.”

The alliance between Catz and Hilda’s means Magdalen is blockaded on the north and the east while rumours hint that Teddy Hall may also be thinking of attacking Magdalen from the west as well.

Raphaëlle Vallet,  Chief General of the Hildabeasts, commented: “With 506 undergraduates in Catz and 400 in St Hilda’s, against 408 in Madgalen, our joined armed forces are already vastly superior to Magdalen’s.

“However we would like to call all colleges, and especially the ones close to Magdalen’s western border, to help us surround the vile barbarians and force them to give up their arms and their honour.”

Adam Blackburn commented that the war was necessary because “We felt the need to stand with Catz, our allies, in the face of Magdalen aggression, although we also feel that Magdalen have a very high opinion of themselves, and a low opinion of everybody else.”

However, Blackburn was unable to discuss the tactics which Hilda’s might use in this war, “because sharing military secrets is a treasonable offence”.

The announcement was greeted with jubilation at St Catz, especially by Chris ‘the annihilator’ Starkey, leader of the St Catz military effort, who warned Magdalen, “A grand alliance is forming against them, they should fear the coming storm.”

Starkey was informed of the developments by a Hilda’s student and issued this comment to the bearer of the news: “I will begin preparations for a conference, and extend the offer the same hospitality to your warriors, dear girl. Consider Catz bar a haven, for all who stand against the Magdalen scourge.

“Tonight, I sleep the sleep of the saved and the thankful.”

In response to this declaration of war, Amelia Ross, Magdalen JCR President, commented: “I can only imagine that other colleges are offering support to our inferior enemy out of sympathy, or indeed to also get their colleges noticed in the same way Catz have been.”

She went on to add: “We are yet to seek support for this apparent threat – if anything more than just talk materialises then perhaps we will feel the need to.”

Magdalen JCR member Tim Slatcher also seemed bemused by St Hilda’s threat, saying: “given its location and architecture, I always assumed Hilda’s was a Brookes hall of residence.”

Graphic/ John Glanville


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