OxStu Oscars Drunk Liveblog

Art & Lit Screen

Goodbye lads (and ladies, I’m not sexist), it’s been an absolute cracker of an evening, although the Oscars weren’t much cop. Thanks for reading, if you did. Fuck you if you didn’t. It’s been emotional; it’s been drunk; it’s been live. It’s now over, so go to bed. See you next year.

Oh, sorry, ARGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (which won)

Shout out for Mao, who stayed awake for the entire thing, and Jennifer Lawrence, for falling over. Aside from that, nothing to write home about.

It’s all over, and we can finally sleep. Thank god. Thank fucking god (and the pope, who resigns this week, but mainly god)

The big losers? Silver Linings Playbook and Lincoln. Many nominations, few wins.

So who are the big winners? Daniel Day-Lewis, Argo and mental illness, after yet another mind-numbing ceremony.

Ben Affleck is a loveable guy, says Sky Movies. Sky Movies is shit.

Ben Affleck’s on the verge of tears. I heard the Daredevil premiere had the same effect on everyone present.

George Clooney is painfully good looking. Who won again? Oh wait, Argo, YEAHHHHHH

Meta-kidding, Argo actually won

Just kidding, Lincoln won

ARGO ARGO ARGO YEAH YEAH YEAH

Michelle Obama is boring as fuck when you’re drunk and it’s nearly 5 a.m. Argo will probs win. Leave it out M-Dawg

Jack Nicholson presenting best Oscar? Remember this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfQs7WbVse8 ?

Daniel Day-Lewis thanks Abraham Lincoln. Is he listening?

He’s not funny though, is he?

Daniel Day-Lewis went to Sevenoaks school. I’m from Sevenoaks. YEAHHHHHH FUCK YOU. But seriously, he’s a handy actor, isn’t he?

So, Joaquin Phoenix should win, but Daniel Day-Lewis will. Story of my life

Quvenzhané Wallis. What a name

This speech is so shit

We decide. Loser

Lawrence won, but she also fell over? Winner or loser? You decide…

Jean Dujardin is presenting. Where’d the fuck did he go? I guarantee, in 20 years he is a piece of obscure Oscar trivia. Also Daniel Day-Lewis has basically already won best actor, so this is the last interesting thing left. I go Jennifer Lawrence, but what do I know?

Cameron Diaz is so fine in the mask. Also, the channel 4 talking heads are so fucking crap I want to slice my arm off and eat it. Kill me now, you twats.

Shit, we’re down to the big boys (and girls, and women, please don’t claim I’m sexist). GET FUCKING PUMPED LADS. IT’S ABOUT TO GO FUCKING MENTALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

But yeah, that movie belonged to the tiger, where’s his nomination??? I LOVE YOU RICHARD PARKER

Awks, we got it wrong. Ang Lee has won. You heard it here first.

We would all like to apologise for the interesting dip in writing quality since we had a personnel change. We would also like to point out that we know that Seth Macfarlane IS Brian from family Guy, and we know you know. Back to our other writers.

Seth MacFarlane is basically Brian off Family Guy. That’s a good thing, by the way.

I wish Alex Zane would die in a horribly painful manner. Shut the fuck up you fucking dickhead

Alex fucking Zane. CUNT

Adverts. Thank fuck for my fingers.

Jamie Foxx looks so puzzled, and Tarantino is so weird. But we love him here, chez OxStu.

Flight: average cutout, solid screenplay. But Tarantino wins. One more for the OxStu. We’re partying like it’s 1999.

Argo wins, and I cry. My pick was wrong. Will this torture never end? Fuck off Chris Terrio

Dustin Hoffman is so sold, and Charlize Theron so hot. Also, best adapted screenplay is coming up.

Shit is getting real: best Director is coming up and Ang Lee vs Steven Spielberg is a clash of the titans. Alex Zane likes Ang Lee, but he can fuck off. The OxStu has gone Spielberg. He will win (probably).

Skyfall wins Best Original Song. Alex Lynchehaun would like to point out that he predicted this result, and has now broken even. In other news, Adele is crying.

Prithu’s now awake and is greeted with the fullscreen shot of Anne Hathaway. He seems pretty pleased with his timing.

And now for Best Original Song. The dulcet tones of the nominees are providing a great juxtaposition with Prithu’s ridiculous snoring.

From Best Snore to Best Score, and the winner is Life of Pi.

We’re definitely getting more tired. As in Prithu has fallen asleep and is doing a classic comedy snore.

The mood here has darkened for the ‘In Memoriam’ segment. Either that or we’re all just getting really tired.

Lincoln wins its first award with Best Production Design. If it turns out to be the only award it wins, hilarity will ensue.

ALEX ZANE UPDATE: still incredibly annoying.

Best Editing goes to Argo and Lynchehaun’s prediction page gets another tick. He could not be more pleased.

‘No person in the world with a Y chromosome is looking at Anne Hathaway’s face right now.’ Direct quote.

SERIOUS AWARD UPDATE: The award for Best Supporting Actress goes to Anne Hathaway. Quelle surprise.

Actually, there seems to be a tie for the award, and the second award goes to Skyfall. This really is a turn up for the books.

Alex Lynchehaun’s unnerving knowledge of Sound Mixing and Sound Editing helps him pick out Zero Dark Thirty as the winner of Best Sound Editing. His pride knows no bounds.

Mark Wahlberg and Ted (the bear) host the award for Best Sound Mixing. Les Mis wins, and another bear shits in the woods.

Wolverine shows the rest of us that he is indeed much more talented than us. Catwoman can certainly belt a tune too. This is a devastating blow to the self confidence of the Oxstu Film writers. They are now joined onstage by the cast of the stage Les Mis as they sing One Day More.

Catherine Zeta Jones has just come on to perform All That Jazz from Chicago. The audience is suddenly all that more interested.

Best Foreign Language Film has been scooped by Amour. (A)more to follow.

The award-giving has taken a break and we’re being treated to some commentary from the world’s most irritating human, the one and only Alex Zane.

For anyone interested, Jennifer Lawrence is looking absolutely prime.

Best Documentary Feature up now, presented by Daredevil himself. Searching For Sugar Man wins it. Exhilarating.

‘Something just won something.’ Direct quote upon Innocente winning Best Documentary Short

Coming up is Best Live Action Shorts. Like Best Animated Short but more depressing and less fun. Curfew wins it. I can only imagine the weight of this news to all the viewers out there.

Every time that Colin Salmon appears on screen, we have to reminded that he is, in fact, an ‘actor’. Thanks.

Our news editor Matt Handley has, in the spirit of investigative journalism, uncovered this gem: https://twitter.com/HathawayNipples

Les Miserables wins Best Make Up and Hairstyling. We erroneously called The Hobbit. By which I mean we printed the prediction this week, and we all shouted “The Hobbit” at the screen just now.

Anna Karenina wins Best Costume Design. Another shocker.

Advert break, and we’re being forcefully told how great Lincoln is. More of the same then.

Life of Pi takes Best Visual Effects. Bear takes shit in woods.

In what will inevitably be the least surprising moment of the night, Life of Pi has taken Best Cinematography. The cinematographer sounds really high.

Robert Downey Jr. and Samuel L. Jackson having some great middle-aged banter right now.

Paperman wins, so now we might as well call it a night. Brave has won Best Animated Feature Film, in the night’s first upset; Wreck-It Ralph was favourite.

An acceptance speech and some banal comment from Alex Zane later, and we’re getting the nominees for Best Animated Short Film.

In more important news, Quentin Tarantino’s chin is morphing into his neck.

ACTUAL SUBSTANTIAL UPDATE: Christophe Waltz nabs Best Supporting Actor.

Thank God they finished interviewing people about dresses and finally got down to what the Oscars are really about. Which is Seth Macfarlane and William Shatner doing comedy musical numbers apparently.

Seth McFarlane hasn’t seen my boobs. Yet.

Brian from Family Guy is slaying the audience right now.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand after four hundred dresses, multiple tuxes and several variations of black tie, the Oscars have officially got under way.

Actually, Django was pretty fucking badass.- Prithu Banerjee

The Avengers was the greatest film of 2012. Fact. – Prithu Banerjee

Jamie Foxx is looking straight up badass. No joke.

Just had an in depth discussion into Lynchehaun’s clothing schedule and the infamous ‘drying rack’. Fascinating, fascinating stuff.

Adele is about three foot taller than Kristen Chenoweth. I don’t know whether that’s because Chenoweth is a midget or because Adele is a giant.

The fact that Jennifer Garner decided to date Ben Affleck despite working on Daredevil essentially ruins my opinion of her forever.

NEWSFLASH: Jennifer Aniston is wearing a red parachute. Luckily, she’s good looking enough to get away with it.

Apparently Chris Evans has gone for a skinny black tie, which meets with Prithu’s approval. The lucky fellow.

Just checked out the Guardian liveblog. It’s much better than ours, inevitably. Never mind, we’re probably drunker so I guess that makes it one-all. Also, why is Alex Zane still on TV?

I’ve actually had to mute the red carpet chat. The stream of sycophantic, inane small talk is driving me to suicide.

What is Naomi Watts’ accent? English? American? Antipodean? Bizarre.

Apparently the ceremony doesn’t actually start for another 50 minutes. It’s times like these that I give thanks for the invention of beer.

Is Quvenzhane Wallis sweet? Yes? Is she annoying? Yes? Is she still far more interesting than everyone else on the entire red carpet? Certainly. I hope this gets better, fast.

It’s 12:25 over here, and we’re watching the red carpet show. I kind of want to vomit. I’m sober. This cannot end well.

So basically, we’re gonna watch the Oscars, get slowly drunk and liveblog. Join us