Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th
It’s a week since Valentine’s day, and the roses are beginning to wilt. This has two consequences: first, many a bedroom is littered with rather sad looking decaying floral matter; second, it has become quite apparent who is single, and who admired/taken. Use this information to your advantage this week. It might be your lucky day.
Pisces: February 19th – March 20th
The fates inform me that you ought to try and avoid being on the Oxford High Street this week. This bustling thoroughfare will bring you only misery and overpriced sandwiches in the near future, and clearly these are things you can live without.
Aries: March 21st – April 19th
Begin stockpiling vegetables. The sands of time obscure the exact point in the future when they will be needed, and so I can narrow the fate of these vegetables down to two options: they will either save you from a fate made fatal by malnourishment and famine, or they will rot malodorously in your relatively confined and airless student accommodation.
Taurus: April 20th – May 20th
This week you may well find yourself repeating your own name a lot, in a rhythmic and oddly pleasing arrangement among others doing the same. This will prove either obnoxious or cute, and will culminate in the location and identification of a pipe bomb. Or, you might totally fail to get the reference.
Gemini: May 21st – June 21st
Get into a chronic habit of flipping coins this week to make your decisions. It’s far easier than thinking for yourself, and has the added advantage of meaning that should you want to penny someone you’ve always a coin handy. This way, you’re bound to end up doing more drinking than thinking: surely that’s the point of uni, no?
Cancer: June 22nd – July 22nd
You will lose faith in horoscopes entirely. This week will be a desolate one for you in that respect, with absolutely no expectation that what I write (all information gleaned from legitimate sources…) will come to fruition. Right?
Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd
Take a moment to contemplate Natalie Portman. Mhm. There’s no particular reason for me advising you to do this, beyond the fact that if you’re anything approaching normal, you’ll probably quite enjoy it.
Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
Things are about to take a turn for the kleptomaniacal. Your nimble fingers will grow daring, and you’ll suddenly begin to acquire all sorts of new possessions: £40, a brand new iPhone, some precious golden candle sticks… the world is your oyster, until you get caught.
Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd
You will be accused this week of wearing stash too often, and will respond either by defiantly refusing not only to remove the offending kit, but ever to wash it, or by retreating into embarrassed solitude and dejection. The latter is the natural response if the aforementioned stash is at all rowing-related.
Scorpio : October 23rd – November 21st
You will suffer an unfortunate finger-painting accident, and end up hospitalised in simultaneously embarrassing and totally inexplicable circumstances. Your friends will most likely defend it as bad luck, but all others will mock you, and quite justifiably so.
Saggitarius: November 22nd – December 21st
This week you will encounter a piece of literature that will really make you think. I simply couldn’t tell you what it will be, but the scope is enormous: the Bible, the Karma Sutra, an old diary, a deed entitling you to an enormous inheritance…or the text you’re meant to be preparing for next week’s tute?
Capricorn: December 22nd-January 19th
This week you will diagnose yourself with something relatively serious. However, I don’t foresee you seeking medical advice. You shall instead alarm many of your acquaintances/tutors with your leprosy/psychoticism/scabies scare. It might well be fun.