The war spreads west

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Oxford : Brasenose CollegeBrasenose and Lincoln have become the latest colleges to decide that a declaration of war is in the interests of its members.

The conflict in Oxford has been growing as colleges clamour to enter the fray started by St Catz’ declaration of war against Magdalen a fortnight ago.

There are now two separate battlefields, one in the west between Brasenose and Lincoln, and one in the east between Magdalen and a St Catz-Hilda’s alliance.

Brasenose’s declaration of war came after a JCR motion recommended “to investigate the possibility of an alliance or mutual defence pact with such colleges as they believe possible to ensure the future safety and prosperity of this JCR.”

This received a large amount of support from the JCR with one ex-JCR Committee Member, who wished to remain anonymous, commenting:  “St Catz may be cats, but if we stay out we will be pussies.”

The motion was therefore hastily amended and replaced with a simple declaration of war against Lincoln, which was passed unanimously.

This garnered an immediate reply from Lincoln College, however, who had prepared for just such an eventuality by already having a war minister ready to deal with the crisis.

First Sea Lord, Ashley Fisher, War Minister of Lincoln College JCR commented that he “received the news from my JCR President at 1236hrs 25/02 that our jingoist, eternal rivals to the north Brasenose had, flippantly and without provocation, declared war on us. I had no choice but to declare war in response.”

This has yet to be confirmed by the JCR meeting, but looks set to be a formality as Fisher has promised that anyone voting against the motion will be “sent to work in the Gulag.”

Fisher was confident that his leadership would see them through the war.  “I will stand for your freedom until they remove my legs,” he commented, “then I will beat them with my legs.”

Yet, James Blythe, the Commander-in-Chief for Brasenose JCR was equally confident, commenting that “Brasenose JCR looks forward to a world founded upon four essential human freedoms.

“The first is freedom of speech and expression everywhere in Brasenose Lane, Radcliffe Square and Turl Street. The second is freedom of every person to worship the Bust of Paul Gladwell in their own way-everywhere in the world. The third is freedom from having Lincoln as neighbours. The fourth is freedom to bulldoze their college and put in a paintball zone, bouncy castle and swimming pool.”

The conflict looks like it will soon be resolved as Fisher has announced plans to resolve the conflict through an “un-friendly” rugby match to be proposed at the next JCR meeting.


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