OxStuff: Letters to the Editor, 0th Week

Features

You don’t have to be dodgy to work here but it helps

Dear Editors,

It’s only been a few weeks that I’ve been on the OxStu team, and it’s already clear that I’ve been wallowing in a cesspit of journalistic incompetence.

You set crazy deadlines, but there are still typos all over the shop. You claim the biggest exclusives in Oxford, but it’s only the Tab which brings Footballer/Wag Faceswaps to my inbox.

Your paper’s not fit to wipe an arse on. Believe me, I’ve tried, and it turns out the paper you use just isn’t soluble.

So I’m throwing in the towel, and you can consider this towel my letter of resignation.

And you know what? This letter is probably more worthy of printing than any of the dross you normally run.

Go to Hell. Go to Hell in an anthrax-infected dodgem, and take your dodgy fact-checkers with you.

OxStu, OxStu, you bastards, I’m through.

Fuck you,

Your former colleague.

 

Dear former colleague,

Fair enough.

The Editors

 

A bitter farewell to the Laddy with the Lash

Dear The Editors,

Where’s Agony Lad gone? I’m having family problems and need a muscular shoulder to cry on.

Thanks,

Alex.

 

Dear Alex,

We’ve been led to  believe that Agony Lad has been rusticated again. The Senior Dean at Teddy Hall informs us that  a  student has been suspended over an incident involving thirty barrels of Foster’s and Charlie Sheen, and we can only assume that Agony Lad was involved.

Agony Lad himself says he feels subject to a witchhunt after seeing our lad culture story and is refusing to write until such time as we “stop being massive shlads and start putting some jugs on page 3.”
Yours,

The Editors.

 

An urgent petition  

Hello,

I am Barr. Phillip Butulezi, an attorney of law to a deceased Immigrant property Magnate, who was based in the U.K, also referred to as my client.

On the 25th of July 2000, my client, his wife, and their two Children died in the Air France concord plane crash bound for New York.

I have contacted you initially to assist me in repatriating their fortune.

My Late client’s main Uk bank account is valued at fifteen million, five hundred thousand U.S dollars ($15.5m). All I require is your honest co-operation and confidentiality to enable us sees this deal through. Please send me your full names, address, and your telephone and fax numbers to enable us discuss this matter further.

I very much look forward to a swift response from you.

Kindest regards,

Barr. Phillip Butulezi

 

Dear Barr. Butulezi,

Thank you for contacting us. It would be our pleasure to assist you in the recouping of the funds.

Our address is OxStu Towers, Gloucester Green, Oxford, OX1 2BU. Our phone number is 01865 288467.

Thank you again for this opportunity.

God bless,

The Editors.