The Functioning Alcoholic

With student loans still to land in many bank accounts, the crucial question is not how battels will be paid, but how we’ll all get smashed. rose

Luckily Tesco have it covered with their ‘Everyday Value’ cartons of wine, which will give you a litre’s worth of Rosé for just £4.49 (and it was even cheaper before that bell-end Dave’s minimum pricing kicked in). The entirely superfluous ‘tasting notes’ (seriously, it’s in a carton, we’re not expecting much) describe it as “[a]n uncomplicated, refreshingly light rosé, with fruity strawberry flavours” which is kinder than “paint-remover-y”.

But, like our beloved paper, it has a no-nonsense, rough-and-ready charm to it. No poncey description of where it came from here; just “Made in Spain”, which conjures up images of car-parks in Cadiz more than it does of Valencian vineyards. What food does it go with? “Pizza”. How should you drink it “Alone, or with friends”. So that’s all social situations covered, and doesn’t at all create crushingly depressing images of those poor souls downing this solo (seriously, once your carton-ing on your own, you’re at the point of no return). If you can bear the disdainful looks from the stern checkout lady as you bag it up, this is a loveably terrible tipple that will see you through your post-collections pre-lash and won’t hit your bank balance too hard as you wait, in futility, for Student Finance to get their shit together.