Being as I am a modern, empowered and rampantly sexual woman, I felt it was time to look into the world of sex toys. Not that I can’t do the job myself but, as we know, variety is the spice of life.
Here’s how to explore: First of all, put your web browser on private. You know the drill. Search ‘sex toys’, and click on Lovehoney.co.uk, full of cutesy graphics and friendly tips that persuade you that maybe, just maybe, this array of masturbatory paraphernalia is just what everyone else is into.
There’s the mini bullet vibrator, the classic dildo (plus suction cup for… sticking to walls? The bottom of the bath? The mind boggles), the Rabbit (a favourite of Sex and the City-type women, quasi-empowered but still agonising over Cosmo’s latest tickle-his-balls advice): all fairly predictable.
Then we come to the more, shall we say, niche sections of the Lovehoney website. Dildos all seem relatively tame as one would expect, until I come across a monstrosity called ‘Classic Veined 18 Inch Double Header’. Presumably to be paired with the container of lube that comes in a half-litre measure. Further down the page, there’s the ‘Doc Jonson Pussy Pump’. I am terrified by this and don’t investigate further. There are, however, Ben Wa Balls, which I try. The ‘beginner’ ones.
Like inserting two super-jumbo round tampons, these give me no pleasure but are apparently giving my pelvic floor muscles an excellent workout – perfect to pair with an E-Z rider exercise-ball-cum-dildo, Lovehoney tells me. I also order a multispeed ‘super smoothie’ vibrator. Order placed and loyalty points accrued.
I now have to spend an anxious three days obsessively checking the post room. I check several times that I did not send the package to my home rather than my college address. I peruse the FAQs of the website and luckily ‘plain, discrete’ packaging is the norm for these toys. I am slightly worried that they would have put batteries in it already and that it might go off at an inopportune moment. Finally, it arrives in my pidge and, victorious, I smuggle it back to my room under cover of darkness.
This is the fun part. Lock the door, turn on the music and fap away. Be aware that a vibrator is much more powerful than your fingers – start slowly on the lowest setting or all you’ll get is the same kind of asymmetrical friction you got from all those ex-boyfriends who thought that vigorous, generalised rubbing was the way forward. Of course, as your uni room is fairly private, you can stash your toy(s) away easily, but one of the main problems you’ll face is that transition from university to home. Now your room is a high-risk area. Your mum rifles through your private possessions on a regular basis, the buzzing of a vibrator carries straight through to your sibling’s bedroom, and the dog is probably going to steal and chew the Ben Wa balls.
Even considering the risks, the joy you’ll glean from the website’s product reviews will be payment enough. The testimonials are the definition of TMI, and are lavishly detailed, often written by men: ‘I have never heard language like that from the wife before’ / ‘I ordered this to surprise my wife and introduced it to her one night while she was tied up and blindfolded’ / ‘She laughed, she cried, she came, and boy, did she squirt a few times’ / ‘Brilliant from the first day I got it and I still use it now. I hope to try it on a woman very soon and see what she thinks.’
Overall, though, the best thing about online shopping for sex toys is how you can avoid anodyne saleswomen, the public perusal of toys, the revelation in front of the whole of Ann Summers of your preference for ‘The Vibratron Megatron’. With plain packaging and a no-questions-asked return policy, you’ve got nothing to lose from experimenting with sex toys.