Functioning Alcoholic


As sunshine returns and filters through the windows of the finalists  rapidly approaching freedom,  and of the freshers who adorably think Prelims constitute anything like their pain, it’s time to think about how to go out of Trinity 2013 in style. Obviously, you need to incorporate booze into the trashing of your friends. But speedy downings of copious amounts of alcohol and traditional ‘dirty pints’ are terribly dull. Get creative.

Bacon vodka made by professionals and boutique drinks companies are rated highly by connoisseurs. When made by you, with Everyday Value voddy/paint-remover as the base ingredient it won’t be quite so pleasant:  the infusion can be made be made by pouring 120 g of bacon fat into 750 ml of vodka, continuously stirring, freezing and then removing the fat off the top. The process is known as ‘fat-washing’. Any drink which includes ‘fat-washing’ in its creation is a guaranteed way to make your finalist friends wish they were still wearing a pink carnation.


Alternatively, adding to their beverage a few drops of ‘Dave’s Insanity Sauce’, ranked at 180,000 on the Scoville scale for chilli-hotness (compared to around 4,000 for Tabasco), is a guaranteed recipe for hilarity and humiliation (although you may have to get them to sign a disclaimer first).

However, once you’ve finished trashings, it’s time to enjoy your last few nights in Oxford before the long vac, or perhaps before moving on to pastures new. Use them wisely. Don’t spend them in the hacky circle-jerks of Camera and Bridge, or the Jeremy Kyle show for the middle class that is Park End. Grab a few bottles of something fizzy, decamp to your college lawns, sit and reminisce.

As the Cava flows, so will the tears as you think about what was and what might’ve been. It’ll all be very clichéd, but it’ll be fabulous. After all, our last big night out shouldn’t end with a Hassan’s, but with a big boozy group hug with the ones you’ve come to love during your time amidst the spires.

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