Oh Fresher, dear Fresher,
Please pick your disgrace.
You’ll despise, you’ll despair, you’ll delight in this place.
Here’s my chivalrous road map to your fall from grace.
Oh Fresher, poor Fresher,
Accept your disgrace.
Oh love and lust and sweaty walls
To the basest vulgarity of these hallowed halls.
With greasy pole and desperate men,
The question’s not “if?”, my darlings, it’s “when?”
Because try as you might, no one escapes on this quest.
The curse of grindr manifest.
This is the love that dare not speak its name,
Babylove, our pride, your shame.
Pop champagne, rub shoulders,
But while there’s plenty to choose
There’s nothing that’s worse than a hack who’s old news
So run for the hills when you hear the word “vote”
And use Daddy’s money to keep Camera afloat.
Baroque patterns and sheepskin coats
Make the ‘trendy fella’
Frequenting hazy nights in a dungeon called Cellar
Plush’s men are old as sin
You’ll imbibe to survive the wonderland you’re in.
While Junction’s sweet rhythms will make your feet itch
With a jive and a swing you’re sure to bewitch.
Less Magdalen Bridge or the Bridge of Sighs,
There’s only one Bridge to feast your eyes
But avoid that purgatory, for there’s no life there
The plague is Anuba. Oh Fresher, beware.
And now to the last but not least
The unforgettable essence of our veritable feast
Think you’ve reached rock bottom? You’re yet to descend
To the hell of all hells, that is, Parkend.
Through shark-infested jägers and winding corridors,
Hell isn’t seven circles, it’s three sticky dancefloors.
Against horned lads and ladies, take care to defend
Else you’ll drown in the crewdate waters of deep, deep Sharkend.
Oh Fresher, dear Fresher.
Put on a brave face.
And try to survive
Your long, fun fall from grace.