Timeless tradition to close Merton

Merton’s effort to preserve the space time continuum in their annual “Time Ceremony” this weekend has been deemed a success.

Students at the college spent an hour walking backwards around the historic Fellows’ Quad while the clocks went back on Saturday night, whilst dressed in full sub fusc.

According to experts at the college, to avoid distortion of chronological equilibrium, Mertonians must centrifugally construct a well of depressed time, into which into which flows natural time, thus rectifying the disequilibrium of the diurnal cycle.

Members of the JCR and MCR gathered at 1:45am on the college’s sundial lawn for toasts and speeches. At 2am exactly, with the final cry of “To a Good Old Time! O tempora O more! Long Live the Counter-revolution!”, the ceremony began.

The first ceremony was held in 1971, following the change from using British Summer Time throughout the entire year.

Chris Ruckteschler, JCR President, pronounced the event a triumph, commenting: “Once again, in a unanimous feat, Mertonians have united successfully united in the salvation of Space and Time.”

“We were glad to welcome back the Keeper of the Watch and the other Grand Originals of the Ceremony to lead us in this critical endeavour.”

“With pride I can announce that the world has been saved for another year and would like to thank all Mertonians for living up to this immense responsibility.”

Joe Hackett, the college’s returning officer, said, “This year’s Time Ceremony was, as ever, a great success in maintaining the space-time continuum, and passed with no notable casualties and nobody left trapped in another dimension.”

“Much fun was had by all, despite the importance of the task at hand, even by helpers such as myself. Indeed, I found observing and partaking in the ceremony while sober a very eye-opening experience, to be sure.”

Barry Press, founder of the ceremony, told The Independent, “There’s nothing spoof about it. If you think about it, there’s nothing it could be a parody of[…]It’s a perfectly serious ceremony.”

Most Merton students, however, were more actively involved in the evening’s activities, and enjoyed the opportunity to escape the library.

Amy Davis, second year English student at the college, commented: “Everyone seemed to enjoy the ceremony, especially one rowdy individual who chundered profusely on the sundial lawn as the toasts commenced.”

“However, I feel the success of the ceremony may have been marred by the fact that not everyone stayed the full hour, and the subsequent internet failures in college accommodation the next day may have been a cosmic ramification.”

She added: “The time ceremony is an appropriately nerdy tradition for Merton. Other people have fun by dancing and getting off, we have fun by ‘preserving the space-time continuum’.”

Other students registered their discontent that in the commotion of the festivities several valuable items had been lost. Mertonians took to Facebook on Sunday morning to plead for the retrieval of their erstwhile shoes, keys, and Bod cards, leading some to question the viability of an event which threatens to jeopardise valuable 7am starts in the library.