News from the Light Blues

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Cambridge police were on fine form this week, incompetently attempting to spy on Cambridge student activists. Who knew that asking a protester, who is guided by principle, to spy on his fellow protesters against his principles would go so wrong? The police also seemed genuinely surprised that they were filmed because people, totally groundlessly, don’t trust the police.

The Cambridge Tab caused controversy yet again with the return of Rear of the Year. The Women’s Campaign in Cambridge organized the world’s least open open meeting with just thirty-five minutes notice because ‘they really wanted everyone to be involved.’ Cue a two hour discussion over the precise wording needed to convey bone deep indignation, because dammit, feminism is about telling women that they absolutely can’t get their kit off and have total autonomy over their bodies! Oh. Wait.

The College Burglar, a highly unpleasant man who stole hundreds of pounds worth of belongings (Laptops: ‘My gap yah photos of me in PERU?!’ Rings: ‘I bought that ring in a tiny vintage shop that burnt down as soon as I bought it in this street that has since disappeared in Amsterdam!’) in a three day crime spree a week ago. James was handed a sentence of fifty weeks for his wrongdoing and showed no remorse. Everyone in Cambridge was relieved that he’s been apprehended and hopes that next time he’ll just go for Oxford. Or better yet John’s.

Magdalene College celebrated the 25th anniversary of admitting women to the College in a dinner led by Rowan Williams. When the College, Cambridge’s last to admit women, finally took the plunge and allowed us gals into its hallowed halls the men of college wore black arm bands and tipped all of the college port into the River Cam. Which explains both why the port in Magdalene formal is so atrocious and why the college’s academic results skyrocketed as women became the norm and not ‘those birds other colleges have mistakenly let in.’ Of all the things to get rid of why the booze?!

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