New ‘CV Soc’ renders student societies irrelevant

All existing student clubs and societies have this week been left redundant by the establishment of a society dedicated solely to the improvement of CVs.

The new “CV Soc” has been hailed as a breakthrough in student life, and is slated to quickly absorb the memberships of all existing political, cultural and journalistic organisations across the University. While several other societies, including the Law Society and Conservative Association, have been largely focussed on similar activities for several decades, the new group is the first to fully enshrine CVs in its constitutional statutes.

“It’s all very well to run a newspaper or the Labour Club or whatever,” said the society’s founder, Benjamin Cripps, in a statement last night. “But these are simply not the most direct or efficient methods of building a good résumé. We need to cut out the middle-man.”

Details of the group’s itinerary have yet to be released, but it has been confirmed that members will spend at least three nights a week composing references and recommendations for fellow members, and will swear an oath to systematically improve their level of employability in the modern job market. It has also been confirmed that the group will be run by a vast, 200-member committee, each and every member of which will bear the title of “President.”

In addition to working directly on CVs, the society will provide what it terms “psychological assistance” to foster a productive careerist mentality. One early success has been a pamphlet entitled: “Step One: convincing yourself it’s not wrong to work in the City.”

Senior members of existing student societies have appeared rattled by CV Soc’s threat to their position in Oxford life. A prominent member of the Oxford Union, who wished to remain anyonymous, has engaged in a series of panicked measures to shore up his organisation’s membership. “We may no longer be the best place for self-advancement,” the ex-Union hack conceded in a pleading address to a largely empty chamber on Thursday night. “But the Union’s about so much more than that, isn’t it? Who’s with me?!”

PHOTO/Existential Hero