The 3rd annual OxStu Oscars drunk liveblog

Art & Lit Screen

REFRESH MANUALLY TO KEEP UP

05:07- Right, that is that. The Oscars 2014 are over, awards have been given out, friendships have been broken, twitter records shattered, many people left happy. If you have been reading this with us, it has been a pleasure to guide you  stutteringly through the awards, and we hope you’ve enjoyed it as much as we have. We might see you next year. Who knows. Even we don’t. Well, have a good night everyone, and keep reading the OxStu.

05:01- Still think it’s the wrong decision. But that is a personal opinion. Wolf should have won it. Wolf actually ended the night not winning a single award. You read it here first, Wolf Of Wall Street in ten years will be remembered more than 12 Years. Also, American Hustle (we think) has gone awardless.

04:59- Steve McQueen seems nervous and happy.

04:57- BEST PICTURE GOES TO 12 YEARS A SLAVE.

04:53- McConaughey can talk as well. In the midst of the drunkenness here, a moment of genuineness. A really great speech about self-respect and knowing how to better yourself. Really well done to him.

04:48- JLAW presents the award for BEST ACTOR. (We bloody love JLAW). THE WINNER IS… MATTTTTTTHHHHHHEEEEEEWWWWWW MCCCCCCCONAAAAAUGGGGHHHHEEEEEEYYYYY.  Who would have thunk it?! The man who spent a decade out in the romcom wilderness has turned up and shown that he is far, far more than just a pretty face. Just let this sink in- this is the man who was in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.

04:44 – AND THE AWARD FOR BEST ACTRESS GOES TO: Cate Blanchett. The last of the dead-cert results. It’s all to play for from here on out.

04:42 – DA GAWD Daniel Day-Lewis is here to announce the award for Best Actress.

04:42 – Ellen Degeneres has essentially rendered the stage redundant tonight.

04:37 – Cuaron leaves the stage as the first latino director ever to win the award. Degeneres pretends to think the ceremony is over (it isn’t!), hilarity ensues, and we go to an advert break.

04:35 – BEST DIRECTOR goes to Alfonso Cuaron. Well-deserved and very much expected.

04:32 – “I owe this… to the Oscars” blubs Alex as he sinks another tequila. The most important awards are about to be dished out, but the night may as well be over for your correspondents.

04:28- “He should win an award for Soundest Guy” a quote from one of our bloggers about Spike Jonze. Clearly a lot of love.

04:27- BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY GOES TO ‘HER’. Lynchehaun is so pleased that is physically hurts me.

04:24- De Niro hosting BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY. The winner is… 12 YEARS A SLAVE. What a massive fucking joke. How Wolf Of Wall Street didn’t win is beyond me- ridiculous. I am not even vaguely impressed.

04:16- BEST ORIGINAL SONG- FROZEN. No surprises for the believers.

04:15- Some of us disagree with a previous post. Let It Go is an amazing, amazing song. If you don’t like it, fuck off.

04:14- BEST SCORE goes to Gravity, somewhat inevitably

04:12- Jessica Biel is on stage, whatever happened to her career? Also Jamie Foxx is funny but also a dick

04:10- Is Let it Go a great song? No, it’s actually pretty mediocre, but then again Candle in the Wind is the best selling song of all time in the UK so being mediocre may actually be an advantage in a popular vote.

04:08- John Travolta looks like a vampire, not because he’s eternally youthful, rather that looking in the mirror is an unnerving experience

04:05- Goldie Hawn is genuinely less convincing in this broadcast than she was in Overboard, although more convincing than her daughter’s claims to be a successful actress.

04:04- Nicholas Hoult tweets Bono, from one wanker to another

04:03- Now for a L’Oreal advert. I am truly moved.

04:01- Could there be a greater reminder of mortality than a list of dead people followed by Bette Midler?

04:00- Bette Midler is serenading the dead

03:58- We have PSH, the montage closer

03:57- PSH yet to appear

03:54- Now, to introduce a montage of dead people, Glenn Close, who is yet to die

03:53- In a realisation that has shaken our worlds, Alex Zane is doing better than any of us in the OxStu hub. He is still a dickhead though

03:47- Now for a summer blockbuster montage or, in other words, a montage of movies not good enough to be released in December. Including Top Gun may well be a nod to gay rights in light of Sochi, but it’s still a terrible movie.

03:44- PRODUCTION DESIGN AWARD GOES TO… GREAT GATSBY. Gravity actually loses one… mental.

03:43- Ellen has just come out as a fairy. No pun in any way intended. She’s actually a pink fairy godmother.

03:42- Ellen’s picture has now officially become the most retweeted picture ever. Unbelievable.

03:35- “I want to be at the Oscars so much. Even it was just for something like Best Penis Double. Or Worst Penis Double. I don’t care” A DIRECT quote from one of our bloggers.

03:30- BEST EDITING IS… GRAVITY. Gravity is abso-fucking-lutely cleaning up here. They are smashing the awards.

03:28- GRAVITY WINS BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY. No surprises here at Univ HQ where we all called it. The tequila punishments take a break for now.

03:26- BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY COMING UP. Being hosted by Bill Murray and Amy Adams. Murray gives a shout out to Harold Ramis.

03:21- Ellen is trying to play Jesus and is attempting to feed the everyone at the Oscars. This is not even a joke. She has a pizza guy that she has called, and she is giving out pizza to people in the audience. Harrison Ford has just grudgingly accepted a pizza slice.

03:19 – Back to Alex Zane and his Wikipediesque platitudinous shite.

03:18 – Lupita, like her counterpart in the Best Supporting Actor role, has gone for the all-guns-blazing tearjerker speech manoeuvre. Can’t blame her really.

03:13: BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS goes to Lupita Nyong’o! For once we all called it correctly! Emotions running high in Hollywood and the Univ MCR right now.

03:13 – Christophe Waltz his here to announce Supporting Actress. The tightest contest being announced by the tightest guy.

03:10 – SOUND EDITING GOES TO GRAVITY, as if anyone cares.

03:09 – Prithu’s extended lecture about the amazing sound effects in The Hobbit notwithstanding, Gravity takes sound mixing and the tequila keeps flowing.

03:08 – GRAVITY WINS BEST SOUND MIXING.

03:05 -By ‘we’ I mean Ellen and Brad and Meryl and Julia and Bradley and co, all of who are much cooler than us. Ellen is literally going round taking selfies.

03:02 – Not sure what it is, but Ellen seems to actively hate the Oscar stage. About 90% of her hosting has been from within the crowd. We’re also getting the world’s greatest selfie.

02:59 – No offence to Mandela, from which that song was taken. What do you think about Mandela‘s absence from this year’s awards? Let us know. Or don’t.

02:57 – A large amount of the Oscars’ target audience have presumably never heard of Pharrell, Ezra Koenig or Karen O, and that is the only possible justification for giving these smarmy has-been wankers the stage.

02:55 – U2 ARE SHIT

02:54- Ellen has now changed into a snowflake. She is literally completely white.

02:49- BEST FOREIGN FILM COMING UP- And The Great Beauty wins it. Travesty. Absolute travesty. The Hunt should have won. Only because I picked it, and now I have to drink for getting it wrong.

02:40- Kevin Spacey only fucking comes out and starts his short hosting session with a Frank motherfucking Underwood impression. What a guy. The only thing we’re missing is the Underwood double-tap.

02:40- This guy just thanked his kids and Harvey Weinstein in the same sentence. He has sold out, and he will pay for this in this life or the next.

02:38-BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE is won by 20 Feet from Stardom, condemning the three of us to shots, and Joshua Oppenheimer to eternal obscurity.

02:37- Bradley Cooper may be handsome as anything, but he’s not going to win tonight. The reason I’m saying this is because he’s currently presenting the award for best documentary.

02:33- DOCUMENTARY SHORT goes to the Lady in Number 6: Music Saved my Life, which may or may not be the title of a Chic song.

02:34- Otis’ reaction to tequila shots is quite literally Oscar worthy.

02:33- Or vampiric, for that matter.

02:32- Just to clarify, in an argumentative, not sexual, way.

02:31 – LIVE ACTION SHORT goes to Helium. Prithu and Alex are at each other’s necks.

02:29 – Zane and his fellow English non-entities bitch about the A-listers’ speech-fluffing. We bitch about them. And the inverted food chain of bitterness is complete.

02:28 – Ford, Gordon-Levitt, Watson, Efron, Koenig… all this celebrity is getting a bit too much. And as such we’re back to Alex Zane and co in the studio.

02:24 – Zac Efron ballses up the segue to a lovely performance of… something… by Ezra Koenig and Karen O. We want Channing Tatum back.

02:21 – VISUAL EFFECTS is presented by Emma Watson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (so everyone’s happy) to Gravity. “Quelle surprise” scoffs Alex.

02:19 – And now we’re being treated to an essentially quite arbitrary montage of great Oscar-winning performances of years past. Certainly not a bad thing.

02:18 – Can we all take another moment to appreciate Alex’s Pharrell joke below. Top drawer.

02:15 – ANIMATED FEATURE FILM goes to Frozen. Prithu called it; Alex and I didn’t. Two shots of tequila is what we get for supporting Japanese cinema.

02:14- The director has just thanked the audience for supporting shorts. I presume he’s referring to Pharrell

02:13- ANIMATED SHORT goes to Mr Hublot, which is not good news for the three here at OxStu HQ. It’s time for shots, in honour of Ms Novak

02:12- Kim Novak is smashed

02:11- Matthew McConaughey and Kim Novak are a more awkward couple than Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez

02:10- If you’ve reassessed and still want to tweet us then please use #oxstuoscarsdrunkliveblogmark3its2014

02:09- If you want to tweet us about the liveblog, then you should probably reassess your life choices

02:08- Nothing

02:06- But seriously, 21 Jump Street is seriously funny. If he and Jonah Hill aren’t best mates in real life then there’s nothing left for me in the world

02:05- Channing Tatum is onstage. Wait a minute while we drool

02:02- Harrison Ford may be an all time great actor, but I think he’s letting it slip a little with these nominations. I’ve never seen someone give less of a shit about anything than he does about Wolf of Wall Street

02:00- MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING goes to Dallas Buyers’ Club; Bad Grandpa has been absolutely robbed.

02:00- Please Bad Grandpa win hairstyling

01:58- BEST COSTUME DESIGN goes to the Great Gatsby. Period drama 1 – 0 Quality filmmaking

01:56- Naomi Watts and Samuel L Jackson may be two truly great actors, but even they can’t prolong a simile between music and films for more than 2 seconds

01:51- Pharrell on stage doing Happy. The song, not the drug. His fucking LUDICROUSLY sized hat is back. WHY?! He’s now dancing with the front row of the audience and is managing not to make it look twee. Fair play.

01:49- Jim Carrey does an impression of Bruce Dern. We love this guy. Borderline admits to doing LSD. We are all massive fans.

01:47- Ellen is tweeting the Oscars. Tweet us Ellen. Please.

01:43- LETO WINS. Of course he bloody does, he was phenomenal in it, fully deserved. His hippiness is kinda weird though.

01:41- BIG AWARD ALERT! NOMINATIONS FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR AT THE MOMENT.

01:40- We’re about ten minutes into the show and we are all massive fans of DeGeneres’ hosting. She seems like she doesn’t give a shit.

01:37- Ellen DeGeneres has no qualms about ripping into the seated actors at the Oscar. Particularly JenLaw. And Liza Minelli. My type of humour.

01:33 – Ellen Degeneres is going in hard and your correspondents are understanding very few of her jokes.

01:31 – AND THE CEREMONY IS OFFICIALLY UNDER WAY.

01:25 – Otis has just cracked secret of the evening- the woman judging all the dresses is none other than “that woman from Total Wipeout”.

01:23 – Pun of the evening so far from the women judging the dresses: “She’s just wearing all Dior…and well, it’s just Di-yawn”.

01:21 – Everyone reading this (all four of you), feel free to tweet in about who you think should win. And also which celebrity you hate the most. Anything really. This is what guerilla journalism is all about.

01:15 – Of course the real flashpoint of tonight’s ceremony will be the heated battle for the coveted Best Sound Mixing award, a conflict of near-Crimean proportions.

01:12 – Prithu is currently agonising over his Best Picture sweepstakes prediction. His head says 12 Years a Slave but his heart says Wolf of Wall Street. What do you think, readers? Let us know on Twitter,  or something.

01:09 – Turns out one of the pundits joining Alex Zane for the intervening commentary is the Reviews Editor of Heat magazine. I guess Mark Kermode was unavailable.

01:05 – Otis here again. The red carpet antics are in full swing and it’s getting tricky coming up with interesting things to say about tuxedos.

00:59 – Jared Leto is currently looking as stupid as McConaughey is sharp at the moment, while Pharrell’s decision to wear shorts looks as poor a decision as Napoleon’s 1812 invasion of Russia, without even inspiring the next War and Peace. At least he’s sold his hat.

00:54 – I’ve not seen much of the American coverage but one can only hope that of their 300 million population they’ve found someone more competent than Alex Zane and the guy-who-does-the-show-with-Alexander-Armstrong to host their Oscar show.

00:50  – The rumours are true, Leonardo DiCaprio IS wearing a navy tux rather than a black one, and looking pretty good in it at that.

00:39 – Kevin Spacey is looking absolutely prime tonight. He is an absolute hero.

00:36- If you read our blog last year, you would know that Jennifer Lawrence was considered incredibly attractive. Safe to say, that opinion has not changed in the slightest. She’s also an Oscar winner, so it means that she’s also supremely talented.

00:33- Lynchehaun thinks he has the Oscar categories sweepstakes in the bag. He seems overly confident. I hope he loses.

00:27- Alex Zane is trying to sound like he’s incredibly clued up on all the films. It genuinely sounds like he’s only read the IMDB synopses of these films and is trying to blag it over the next two hours. What an ass.

00:23- It’s actually Prithu here, and over the course of the evening, and just so you can tell, I’ll be the one with the flagrant use of expletives. So get fucking ready.

00:15 – Having watched 12 Years a Slave nary a couple of hours ago (and not having seen anything else but Wolf),  I’m very much cheering for McQueen and co tonight. I’ll hand the reins over to Alex next for his more informed opinion.

00:12 – We’re joining you a bit behind schedule at the moment but not to worry: Sky’s Oscars coverage is currently still in Alex-Zane-talking-head mode, so you haven’t missed anything.

00:01 – Hello and welcome to the Oxford Student‘s 3rd annual Oscars drunk liveblog. Your intrepid correspondents for the night are Alex Lynchehaun, Prithu Banerjee and myself Otis Graham. Over the next couple of hours we’ll be bringing you the latest from the 86th Academy Awards, live as it happens. We’ll be here until the bitter end, or until we get kicked out of the Univ MCR, whichever comes first.