Shared room robbery at Christ Church

An unidentified 40 year-old male broke into Christ Church on Wednesday, stealing a laptop, iPad, wallet and passport from the room of a third-year finalist.

The suspect was described as a 6 foot 5 white male with a shaved head and a blood soaked bandage around his knee. The police arrested a man on Thursday in connection with the crime but were unable to retrieve any of the stolen property.

In an email to Christ Church students, Brian Parkinson, the Junior Censor, said: “Based on inspection of CCTV footage, the intruder could not easily be mistaken for a Junior Member, and could not have been a stray tourist because opening hours were over by this time.”

“The intruder can be seen walking past several people in Blue Boar quad, in broad view, and inches away from them.  At one point, someone moves out of his way to let him pass in the direction of Junior Member accommodation.”

“In fact, the intruder was within college property for almost an hour without anyone reporting anything unusual.  We all need to be more vigilant in future.”

He ended by saying: “Finally, I’d like to reassure everyone that incidents such as these are very rare at Christ Church and that we will be doing all that we can to investigate any lapse of security on this particular occasion.”

The third-year finalist at Christ Church, who wishes to remain anonymous, said: “The police rang me today, telling me that the suspect is currently in custody but has already sold all my belongings.”

“I’ve got finals in a week and I no longer have a computer or revision notes, nor do I have the ability to get into the Bod to make new revision notes.”

He went on to say: “The irony of the situation is that one of the collection papers in the stolen bag was for my ethics module.”

“I only hope the perpetrator reads the argument, and finds it as convincing as I have no doubt the examiner would have.”

A third year Univ student said: “At the end of the day, these materials are only the products of a capatilist society and this theft only the robbery of desires.  Ofcourse I can appreciate the inconvencience caused to the young victim. However, if we lived in a more equal society, where men did not need to steal in order to feed their young, then incidents like this would be a rare occurences, as opposed to the sort of thing we read about everyday in the press”.