OUSU to discuss the nationalisation of all kebab vans

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A motion has been proposed in OUSU Council to nationalise kebab vans under workers’ control. 

The motion, proposed by Nathan Akehurst – a third year History and Politics student at Lincoln – and James Elliott – a first year Teddy Hall Historian – notes that kebab vans are “essential part of Oxford life.” 

The motion resolves to “commit to the forced collectivization of Andrew Hamilton’s estimated £434k salary.” It is estimated this would buy every student “roughly six kebab van meals a year.” 

According to the motion, Council further resolves: “Chips.” 

Akehurst and Elliot also pose a critique of OUSU Council claiming in ‘Council notes’ that “more insightful political debate happens in a Hassan’s queue than OUSU Council.” 

They further add that Council believes “a clear OUSU policy on kebab vans would fix OUSU’s image problems and make it directly relevant to student life.” This comes after what The Oxford Student described to be OUSU’s “nastiest election” last Michaelmas, in which OUSU came under fire for its relevance to student life. 

When asked on the motion’s consequences, Akehurst commented: “We are not merely talking about nationalisation. We are talking about nationalization under workers’ control.”

He added: “This will assist jobs and growth, strengthen town-university relations and provide gloriously cheesy dollops of chips to legions of hungry undergraduates.” 

Questioned on the quality of meat products at Kebab vans Akehurst explained: “Look, when it’s two in the morning and you’ve just got off the Park End cheese floor, who really gives a shit what you’re eating?”

Elliot. the motion’s seconder, added: “Kebab vans are a public good, so they can’t be left to the whims of the market. I’m from the North, and bloody well know that cheese should come with chips AND gravy.”

“While we aim to promote intersectionality, we felt that two blokes proposing something about nationalising without reference to liberation groups was more in keeping with Oxford’s sense of entitlement, privilege and my glorious red trousers,” he continued. 

Although questions have been raised over the motion’s intersectionality, the proposer is adamant that “the liberation campaigns will back this proposal.” 

He continued: “For what better way to celebrate smashing the patriarchy than which an extra large cheesy chips and garlic mayo, provided at the expense of the kyriarchic elite?”

The motion was, nevertheless, met with some criticism. When asked what they think about the nationalization of kebab vans, a kebab van owner who wished to remain anonymous asserted that it would not be “that bad.” 

Upon clarifying this would make kebabs free, he expressed his disapproval for the idea. 

Adam Smith’s, a kebab van on the High Street, made clear its objections. Its owner, in his The Kebab of Nations, writes: “Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this – do dog exchanges bones with another.” 

It then adds “nationalizing kebab vans will deprive us of our basic natural right to bargain for chips.” 

Oxford University Conservative Association President James Heywood has also expressed concerns. 

Heywood, a Second Year Historian at Magdalen College, commented: “The motion is anathema to everything that is British in this world.”

He continued: “It smacks of totalitarian intrigue, and I would suggest that if Mr Akehurst’s bank accounts were to be investigated we may well find large installments from Pyongyang.”

“Apart from everything else, this is certainly not a motion OUCA could ever support as not once does it mention Margaret Thatcher.” 

He concluded by noting: “As Milton Friedman almost said: ‘There is no such thing as a free kebab.’”  

The OUCA president further threatened that if the motion passes, OUCA “should send in the fleet.”

 The motion was set to be debated at OUSU council yesterday.  

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