Ode to the slacker

It’s that time of year again. Spring is springing, the birds are singing, and unemployment looms mean on the horizon, like a lecherous sylvan troll with the breath of an undead proctor and an underbelly scarcely covered by its stinking hair shirt. There are few things more appalling than the prospect of job-hunting, especially when one lacks the drive and sociopathy to head straight to the City. As a human of conscience I would strongly prefer to defer my proverbial pillage for a more distant era, when I have such pressing moral imperatives as school fees, and prescription gin. And though I’m sure a self-immolation at my first doctoral seminar might bring a warm glow to many a former, and current tutor, my increasing aversion to academia tragically rules out further study. I hazard a guess there are a few others out there like myself, aimlessly searching for meaning and easy remuneration in between gramming, gaming and gaping at the abyss that stretches forth into the foreseeable future. It is for you, beautifully overeducated sloth, that I have stretched the editorially acceptable limits of acronym to craft a list of the top 3 Seriously Lazy Actually Cool Kickass Employment Routes, ka-pow!

  1. Busking during lectures, tutorials, and awkward situations of intimacy. Due to quip and space constraints I won’t elaborate further, except to say that you could easily make bank AND friends by musically busting in on any of the Sources and Resources seminars taken as part of master’s level history. N.B. This is less a recommendation than a forthright plea.
  2. Covertly trawling the ‘Cool Freaks’ Wikipedia Page’ for commercially viable ideas. If you haven’t found this amazing cesspool of Wikipedia weirdness on Facebook yet, I strongly recommend you drop your crappy takeaway foodstuff and do it now. Failsafe, footnoted start-up ideas recently featured on the page include: ‘Jesus Hip-Hop jewellery’, ‘Breastaurants’, and the equally titillating ‘Pig Beach’.
  3. Acquiring one or more babies to farm for YouTube videos. Though I wouldn’t recommend actually birthing one – babies are a high-risk investment, and sadly we can’t yet design or dispose of them like the Sims of yore – if you happen to have any lying around they are capable of some rip-roaring hijinks, and ad revenues. Recent feats of parental opportunism have included ‘Best Baby Fart’, ‘Kung Fu Baby’ and the potentially problematic ‘Baby Humping a Doll’.*

*The writer wishes to iterate that these are all real videos, made by real people, with real pathos.

PHOTO/ Omassey