LMH declares war on Sweden

College News News

Following a JCR meeting held last Sunday, LMH have this week passed a motion to declare war on Sweden.

A general hatred of Sweden, and the belief that Sweden was responsible for the cancellation of bops in college this year, motivated the vote. “Sweden is central to the current corruption within the JCR executive,” the motion declared. ”Only by destroying Sweden shall JCR bops return.”

When questioned by the JCR on the reasons as to why Sweden in particular were responsible for the cancellation of the bops, Ben Moore, a 3rd year historian who proposed the motion, described how, at a recently attended Oxford United home fixture against Rotherham United, he confused the home supporters’ chant of, “we hate Swindon” for “we hate Sweden”. The connection between this, and the cancellation of bops was clear, Moore argued.

The declaration of war on Sweden was just one part of an extensive list of resolutions approved by the JCR.

Among them was the wish to channel all JCR funds into LMH’s nuclear arms programme.

Radical changes to the LMH JCR constitution were also proposed by Moore. These included changing the titles of the roles, ‘President’, ‘Vice-President’ and ‘Treasurer’ to ‘Field Marshall, ‘Grand Admiral’ and ‘Lord of the Coin’, respectively.

As the motion involves an amendment of the LMH JCR’s constitution, it must pass a second round of voting in the next JCR meeting, to be held in two weeks time, before war on Sweden can be declared.

Other approved changes involved granting ‘Field Marshall Purcell’ – as the current JCR President Lana Purcell was referred to as throughout the motion – the power to pass or dismiss any motion, and  to appoint or dismiss members of the JCR executive committee at will.

The motion also mandates ‘Field Marshall Purcell’ to lobby the LMH SCR for war funds at the next Governing Body meeting, and to contact the Swedish Foreign office announcing LMH’s stance on their country.

The expulsion of Moore himself from the JCR, who, at the time of the meeting, was mid-way through sitting his Finals, was also approved as part of the motion on the grounds that he is likely a Swedish Spy detrimental to the morale of the JCR.

“What electoral fraud?”, Moore equivocated, when asked by The Oxford Student for comment.

During the rest of the meeting, many potential issues surrounding the practicalities of any forthcoming war were discussed. Members of the JCR showed concern over whether or not ABBA’s music could continue to be played on the college grounds during a state of war with Sweden.

Later on, during hustings for the role of LMH shop manager which occurred later that evening, the candidates were asked how they would approach the obvious need for rationing during the war. “We must only sell Huel”, one candidate responded, referring to a popular brand of protein shake.

This controversial motion came during a meeting in which £400 pounds  were granted by the JCR to the LMH Biere d’OR, Flugel and Brett Lee Appreciation Society (LMHBDOFBLAS) to fund their “annual summer extravaganza” of garden cricket and BIere d’OR and/or Flugel consumption.

The figure doubled from £200 following an amended motion which was also passed by the JCR.

LMH’s declaration of war on Sweden comes at a time of general dissatisfaction among the JCR members following the Governing Body’s decision earlier this year to ban bops held on college premises for the remainder of Trinity term.

Just last week, the Swedish government distributed 4.8 million leaflets to homes instructing citizens on how to prepare in the event of war. It is thought that this is unrelated to LMH JCR’s recent proposals.

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