Note: the article that follows is a work of satire, and therefore should not be taken as factual
Academics have been banned from the university, after a decision unanimously agreed by senior management and student representatives.
While academics have traditionally been considered a necessary part of a university, providing tuition to students and conducting new research, Oxford University has taken a different view.
“We don’t believe in hierarchies,” commented the Vice-Chancellor of the university, Gerald Smurthbung (62): “We’ve always been in favour of student-led learning, and by removing academics from the tuition process entirely we will cement our position as a world-leader. It will also make our university significantly more cost-effective.”
Zoella Coshing (20), of the Student Union, concurs: “The whole idea of academic tuition that the traditional university embodies is predicated on the assumption that some people ‘know more’ than others. Since we now understand that what really matters is lived experience, not subjective knowledge, we should move on from the archaic tuition-based model.”
Other universities are currently scrutinising the outcome of this bold initiative to consider their own plans.